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Daily Clean Jokes for August 27, 2024? ? ? ? ??

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. (Peter De Vries)? ??

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Limerick

The identical twins did not shirk

The new business they started.??A smirk

????????????Spread across one twin's face

????????????At their new business place

When he said they would now?get?two?work.

Received from Kirk Miller

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Comments from Conrad:

This one doesn’t ring true (pun intended):

Looked at rings at the jewelry store.

There were many that she did adore.

????????????"You want silver or gold?"

????????????Asked the clerk, who was told

That her preference was?either?ore.

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More like my actual experience:

Looked at rings at the jewelry store.

There were many that she did adore.

????????????"You want silver or gold?"

????????????Asked the clerk, who was told

“I want that one, and that one … and more.”

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This one is intended for the "How do these people survive" pile. I can attest to this one personally.

I walked into a McDonalds one morning to buy a bagful of breakfast sausage-and-egg biscuits for our small office. One gentleman in our office didn't eat sausage, so I asked for one scrambled-egg-only biscuit.

"Sorry, we can't do that." came the reply.

"Why not?"

"It's not on my board, we don't do that."

Thinking surely she had misunderstood me, I tried again: "All I want is a biscuit with a scrambled egg on it. Surely you can do that,"

"No, sorry, we can't. All we have are sausage-and-egg biscuits"

Becoming exasperated, I realized I was fighting a losing battle, and opted to play a hunch. I asked, "Well, can I get a sausage-and-egg-biscuit, hold the sausage?"

"Oh, sure! That's no problem!" came the gleeful reply...and back the order went "Sausage Egg Biscuit - no sausage."

*sigh*

Received from David Whitney via GCFL

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Army Nurse Corps

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During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired.

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The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

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Received from Clean Laffs via GCFL

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Gassing Up

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When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car.

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After a few minutes, he got into her car again. "We need to go back to the gas station," he said.

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"One gallon wasn't enough?" she asked.

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"It would have been if I'd put it in the right car."

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Received from Reader's Digest via Doc's Daily Chuckle

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Bob's MF

I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.

I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."

The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."

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Today's One-Liner:??

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee; this means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

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The One

I went on a date the other night with a woman who works at a zoo.

She's a keeper.

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Quote of the Day:

"So many marriages fail because men and women today study their rights before learning about their responsibilities."

- Unknown

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There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if a blind man wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...?

He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

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You're not old UNLESS you can remember?

(I know this is a repeat I sent?a couple?of years ago but it's still really great.?There have been a few additions?to the list since then.)

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*? Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

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*? When Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

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*? When there were two types of sneakers for boys (Hi Top and Low top).

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*? When boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.

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*? When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

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* When all your friends (me included) got their hair cut at the kitchen

table (and Dad put a bowl around our head for an edging pattern so my

neighborhood kids teased us four brothers!).

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*? When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

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*? When nobody owned a pure*bred dog.

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*? When a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.

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*? When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny (I still do).

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*? When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

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*? When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

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*? When all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done,

and that was every day, no exceptions.

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*? When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,

without asking, free, every time. And you got trading stamps to boot!

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*? When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden

inside the box. (and we are still using them).

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*? When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to

carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

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*? When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a

real restaurant with your parents.

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*? When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!

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*? When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the

fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

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*? When women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.

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... and the list could go on and I imagine it will. By the time this is

returned to me I'll bet there'll be a lot more interesting "MEMORIES" added

to this list ....

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Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?

T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M

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Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.

After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

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Thought Of The Day:??Not Everything

"Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced."

- Jodi Picoult

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A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

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Ponderings

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink??

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.?

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

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The Perfect Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."?

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

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More Jokes from ArcaMax.com

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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