Joyous greetings of light, love, and laughter to all this morning.
How quickly this list has become one of the highest points of my day -- thank you all for your posts -- I learn or am reminded of something I know from each one. It's marvelous.
The "Who Am I" exercise (lesson 13 on Connee's pages) has proven to be exceedingly difficult for me -- and as a process, has been most enlightening. It's combined in my head with the "What Do I Like About Living Alone" exercise -- I was not previously aware of how much of my identity I derive from my external situations, nor was I cognizant of the dichotomy (EXTREME!!!) between who I appear to be and who I am on the inside. In my case, "those with whom I live and for whom I provide care" have taken over my identity to a large degree -- I realized from attempting these two exercises that this was happening, and also how uncomfortable it is for me.
I am reminded of a poem I saved for many years -- it started out something like this:
I have a name, I know I must, but if I heard it, I would bust.
I'm Robert's wife, and Timmy's mother, and you know Bob? Well, he's my brother.
On cupcake day I am the baker, on baseball day, I am the taker.
And it went on and on describing how the mom was defined by her roles and her relationships rather than by who she really was. That poem would describe me very well right now if I could remember it. <smile>
As I read the examples of what people liked about living alone, I found myself longing for the ability to be alone -- for someone else to come in and take over caring for these people (OK -- I really thought "pains in the butt", but that's not very loving and I don't want to be thought of as non-loving, you see. <grin> How funny - I didn't know THAT was important to me, either. Ah, more self discovery! ) . . . so that I could experience some of those delightful, delicious, delectable experiences. So I have had to do the opposite -- try to find something I like about not living alone to raise my vibration in that area.
You see, I evidently have been attracting "not living alone" because over the next 2 weeks, I have 3 more people coming to my house to stay. My daughter is coming home and bringing her cousin who really wants to live here and go to school, and my husband's friend got a job with Bob and is coming today to stay with us for a few weeks until he can get a place of his own. See how well the law of attraction works even when you aren't doing it deliberately???
When I started trying to write out who I am, my history of successes and failures kept coming up. I did this, I had that, I lost this, I earned that, I won this, I hurt when. . . and so forth and so on. Who am I??? Ouch - major learning curve here. Mega-contrast. What do I like about not knowing who I am??? <G>
Three things came to mind that I wanted to share.
1) I saved a card for a long, long time (in fact, it might still be tucked away in a treasure box somewhere) that said something like this (I'm paraphrasing from memory): Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? And on the inside it said: Because I am afraid that you will think I am not enough.
2) I have a friend (Karen) who, in caring for her disabled husband and his grandmother over many years (17 or 18 I think), went from being relatively slender and able to get out and do things with a smile on her face to weighing over 300 lbs, and unable to do much of anything other than worry and cry. And I realized that something I have said repeatedly over the past 4 years as I've had to care for my husband when he was injured, my mother-in-law over 4 hospitalizations, and my disabled son for the past 3 years has illustrated the power of attraction. When I have felt dissatisfied with my looks, my weight, my health, my finances or my duties -- I have summed it up with one phrase that to me said it all: "oh, my god, I'm turning into Karen and I hate it!" Again, the Universe has responded to my vibration by sending me more ways to be like Karen.
3) It's easy to get caught up in becoming a "Human Doing" instead of a Human Being.
I don't know how long it is going to take me to be able to put together some coherent words to tell you who I am. I can safely say this:
I am an awakening entity -- a spiritual being having an in-body experience. I am approaching spiritual sentience, I suspect. As I look back upon my life experiences, I realize I am a MAGNIFICENT unconscious creator -- I am awed as I see with clarity how my words, thoughts, and subsequent actions delivered exactly what I was vibrating in unison with. However, just as a child will toy with his or her excrement out of ignorance, I realize I have on a spiritual level done just that -- but now I recognize that some of my creations have been excrement, and I am thankful for the loving guidance of my teachers and benefactors who gently, kindly, and with great compassion have taught me not to play with my poop. <VBG>
I'll let y'all know who I am when I figure it out. . . or make it up. <G>
Much Love and laughter,
Janelle
