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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 100 ¨C Inquiries???????
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In light of the above (see Day 98), if one must inquire about a person, family, community, or school in order to make an important decision, but does not want others to know what he is contemplating, he may not engage people in
casual conversation with the aim of obtaining pertinent derogatory or harmful information. Unaware that his speech is constructive, the speaker is guilty of speaking loshon hora, and the listener who drew him into conversation has caused him to sin.
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Thus, when soliciting necessary information, one must make it clear to the other person that circumstances permit this and that his response, therefore will not constitute loshon hora.
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A common practice in such situations is not only to refrain from divulging the purpose of the inquiry, but also to inquire about several people at once, so as to conceal the fact that it is a particular person about whom one is seeking information. This is
absolutely forbidden. The desire to protect one¡¯s privacy does not justify irrelevant negative information and causing others to speak loshon hora.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Love Your Fellow Jew
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Fulfillment of the mitzvah to judge one¡¯s fellow favorably and development of the quality of shmiras haloshon both hinge on the fulfillment of ¡°You shall love your fellow as yourself¡± (Vayikra 19:18). If one truly loves his fellow Jew, surely he will not speak
negatively of him; to the contrary, he will seek any possible merit for his actions, as he would for himself.
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If one were to commit an act which appeared improper, and he were to learn that his action was being talked about by others, surely he would fervently hope that someone would speak up in his defense and explain that, for whatever reason, he was not at fault.
This is exactly what one should do when someone else¡¯s behavior comes under scrutiny.
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Moreover, to love one¡¯s fellow as oneself is to help him avoid situations which would result in his suffering shame or criticism.
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Let us suppose that one finds himself for an extended period of time in a city whose customs are foreign to him. He would seek out a loyal friend in that city who could familiarize him with local customs and inform him privately when his behavior might evoke
negative feelings among the city¡¯s inhabitants. In this way, he would be forewarned of anything which could possibly cause him distress or embarrassment. One should act toward his fellow in exactly this manner. If one sees another Jew doing that which could
ultimately lead to his distress or embarrassment, he is obligated to warn him of this.
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???????????? Keep reading for Day 101, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 101 ¨C Soliciting Information: Preconditions
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As it is forbidden to cause another Jew to transgress, one may not solicit information unless it is clearly permissible for the other person to offer such information. Thus, in order to solicit information, the following conditions
must be met:
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(1)?? The person from whom information is being sought is not known to fabricate stories about others, to read into their behavior in an unjust manner, or to draw hurried conclusions about their character;
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(2)?? And the person is not known to exaggerate in his descriptions of events;
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(3) and it can be assumed that when informed that the information is necessary, he will not speak out of????? ??malice toward the subject; (thus, one may not seek information from a person who is not on good terms with the subject); and
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(4) it is clear that the information is necessary for a constructive purpose, and that there is no alternative?????? to soliciting such information.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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With Love and Respect
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We find that the Sages willingly brought shame upon themselves in order to save another person from being shamed:
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It happened once that Rabban Gamliel said: ¡°Awaken seven judges for me and have them come to the attic.¡¯¡¯ The next morning, Rabban Gamliel awoke and found eight judges in the attic. He declared, ¡°Whoever ascended without permission should descend.¡¯¡¯ Shmuel
HaKattan arose and said, ¡°I am the one who ascended without permission.¡¯¡¯ ... It was not really Shmuel HaKattan who ascended without permission, but someone else. It was only because of the embarrassment that person would have suffered that Shmuel HaKattan
made his admission (Sanhedrin 11a).
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Surely, then, one should help his friend correct any improper behavior that could lead to his embarrassment. Certainly if one sees his fellow acting in a manner which is contrary to halachah, he is obligated to inform him of this privately and, if necessary,
rebuke him. In so doing, one fulfills both the commandment to reprove one¡¯s fellow (Vayikra 19:17) and the commandment to love one¡¯s fellow as oneself.
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When one helps his fellow Jew to improve his Divine service, he brings great satisfaction, as it were, to Hashem. Conversely, when one disparages his fellow before others for his having behaved incorrectly, what does the One Above gain from this?
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 102 ¨C Irrelevant, But Permissible
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In the cases discussed thus far, the determining factor in making
it permissible to listen to negative speech was relevance. If the information is important, in a constructive sense, for the listener to hear, it is proper for him to give his attention to what is being spoken, and at times to even solicit such information.
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There are times when halacha permits listening to negative information which is of no relevance to the listener or any of his acquaintances. Where the speaker feels the need to express his anger or frustration for relief of emotional pain, one is doing an act
of chesed (kindness) by hearing the person out and expressing understanding of his feelings. If the listener feels that the speaker can be made to understand how he misjudged the person responsible for his frustration, he is obligated to do so. (Often, however,
a person expressing his frustrations is in need of empathy and is not open to logic. At a later point, after the speaker has calmed down, the listener could approach him and attempt to explain how he may have misunderstood the situation.)
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Care must be taken to keep the speaker from wandering from the matter at hand, and speaking irrelevantly about other faults of the one whom he feels has wronged him. Furthermore, one listening in such a situation must take care not to accept what he hears as
fact.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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A Father¡¯s Pain
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Picture the following: A boy has done something improper. One of the boy¡¯s companions announces to a crowd what the boy has done. Present at this announcement is the boy¡¯s father who, understandably,
is quite upset. He tells the one who publicized his son¡¯s iniquity: ¡°Had you rebuked my son in private, with no one else present, I would have been deeply grateful to you. Why did you have to make known his deed to the public? What you have accomplished is
to make him an object of ridicule and disgrace. It seems to me that your intentions were not honorable. You were not out to correct my son¡¯s behavior; rather, you sought to damage his reputation and rejoice over his disgrace.¡¯¡¯
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Such is the way of Hashem concerning the Jewish people, of whom it is written, ¡°You are children to HASHEM, Your God¡± (Devarim 14:1). Hashem, as it were, rejoices at our joy, and is pained at our suffering. When a Jew rebukes his fellow in public, in the presence
of our Father in Heaven, Whose glory fills the earth, can He take any pleasure from this?
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One should be forever cognizant of Rambam¡¯s statement that one is required to be as concerned for another Jew¡¯s possessions and honor as he is for his own (Hilchos Aveil 14:1).
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