SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 103 ¨C Between Husband and Wife
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We have already seen that there are no grounds for sharing gossip with one¡¯s spouse (Day 16). To view withholding loshon hora from one¡¯s spouse as a breach of harmony and trust is mistaken. (A husband and wife who seek to have the
Divine Presence dwell in their midst should build their home on the foundations of halacha and avoid conversations which promote strife and dissension among Jews.) Moreover, sharing negativity (e.g. information, feelings, etc.) does not help create a healthy,
positive relationship.
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Nevertheless, when a husband or wife is in need of emotional support in dealing with difficulty, it is only natural to look to one¡¯s spouse for assistance. Speaking or listening under such circumstances is constructive and is clearly permissible.
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When possible, one should attempt to help one¡¯s spouse understand the situation in a way that would relieve his or her anger or frustration.
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If one finds that his or her spouse is forever in need of ¡°letting off steam,¡± it is important to try to bring about a general change of attitude through discussion, reading or audio material, or suggesting a meeting with a rabbi or other qualified individual.
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A word of caution: While one must be prepared to hear out a spouse and offer emotional support when necessary, one must be ever vigilant not to be drawn into a conversation of loshon hora for no constructive purpose. It is often the case that couples fail to
draw this distinction, and consequently totally ignore the laws of shmiras halashon when conversing.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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The Way of a Jew
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Tanna D¡¯Vei Eliyahu Rabbah (ch. 28) states:
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The Holy One, Blessed is He, said to Israel: My beloved children! Is there anything I lack that I should have to ask of you? All I ask of you is that you love one another, that you honor one another, that you respect one another. In this way, no sin, robbery,
or base deed will be found among you, so that you will remain undefiled forever. Thus it is written, ¡°He has told you, O man, what is good, and what Hashem seeks of you ¡ª only the doing of justice, loving kindness, and walking humbly with Hashem, your God¡±
(Michah 6:8).
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If it happens that one¡¯s fellow acted improperly towards him, one must not take revenge or bear a grudge. Rather, one must erase the matter from his heart, and seek to do good in every way with that person, just as he would with any other Jew, as if nothing
negative had ever come between them. This is what the Torah requires of us, as it is written, ¡°You shall not take revenge and you shall not bear a grudge against the members of your people; you shall love your fellow as yourself¡± (Vayikra 19:18).
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Zohar states (Parashas Mikeitz p. 201b):
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Note the following: Not only did Yosef not repay his brothers in kind [for their having sold him], but he acted toward them with kindness and truth. Such is always the way of the righteous. Therefore, the Holy One, Blessed is He, forever watches over them,
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Keep reading Day 104, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
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Day 104 ¨C Children
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It is a parent¡¯s responsibility to sensitize his or her child to the evils of loshon hora and help the child to develop self-control in this area. At the same time, it is a parent¡¯s responsibility to provide his or her child with
emotional support and assistance. The overzealous parent can cause a child irreparable harm by forever scolding when reassurance is in order; however, failure to discipline one¡¯s child is no less harmful. One must learn to discern between situations where
a child is relating an incident because he needs his parent¡¯s help, and when he is speaking loshon hora for no good reason.
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A child should be taught that if interesting events of the day include negative facts about others, then names should be omitted. To relate how a certain child misbehaved in class is to speak loshon hora, even if what that child did was clever and amusing.
Conversely, it is perfectly correct for a child to reveal the identity of a boy who interferes with his own activity or disrupts him during class time.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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The Unity of the Jewish People
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The following sublime insight is found in S¡¯mag (9); its source is Talmud Yerushalmi (Nedarim 9:4):
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Suppose a man were walking along a path and one of his feet would trip over the other, causing him to fall to the ground and suffer cuts and bruises. Would he seek revenge of the ¡°guilty¡± foot and refrain from trying to heal its wounds? Would he harbor any
ill will toward that foot? Obviously not, for his feet, hands, face, etc. are all parts of one body ¡ª his own. If anything, he might reflect upon his deeds, and view his sins as the true cause of his mishap.
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Similarly, if a neighbor refuses to do a favor that one has asked of him, or even if he has caused one heartache or has shamed him in any way, one should not seek revenge or bear a grudge against him. For who is ¡°oneself¡± and who is ¡°one¡¯s fellow¡±? ¡ª both stem
from the same source, as it is written, ¡°And who is like Your nation, Israel, one nation on earth?¡¯¡¯ (I Divrei HaYamim 17:21).
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The Torah states: ¡°All the souls of the house of Yaakov who came to Egypt, seventy¡± (Bereishis 46:27). The Hebrew word for souls is nefashos. Yet in this verse, the singular form, nefesh, is used, alluding to the fact that in Heaven, the souls of the people
of Israel are like one. Each Jewish soul, while part of one whole, is distinct and unique, like a person whose body is a single unit comprised of many individual parts, each with its own distinct and unique function. All Jewish souls will eventually be gathered
in to one source, beneath the Heavenly Throne, as it is written, ¡°And the soul of my master shall be bound in the bond of life¡± (I Shmuel 25:29).
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It is only in this world, where each soul is clothed in its own physical body and is involved in its own personal matters, that one sees himself as a distinct entity, apart from his fellow Jew. In truth, however, all Jews are one in a very real sense.
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