SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 84 ¨C When Facts May be Concealed
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There are times when a rav may permit suggesting a shidduch and temporarily concealing information which could prevent the shidduch from coming about.
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Occasionally, a situation exists as a result of which people might be reluctant to even consider a shidduch(3) with a particular person or family, though, in fact, the situation need not warrant such reluctance.
It is in such a case that a rav may permit an initial meeting (and at times even a series of meetings) without the pertinent fact being mentioned, so that when it finally is revealed, the person stands a chance of being judged fairly.
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However, it is forbidden to conceal the information until after the other party has developed strong, positive feelings concerning the shidduch, for at that point, the party will be denied the opportunity to reach an objective decision, and will have been the
victim of dishonesty and manipulation.
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Needless to say, such decisions are not to be made by a shadchan (matchmaker) and certainly not by the family involved.? Only a qualified Torah authority should decide such matters.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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Perseverance
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David declared: ¡°Seek peace and pursue it¡± (Tehillim 34:15). The Sages comment (Vayikra Rabbah 9:9): ¡°Seek peace for your loved ones and pursue it for your enemies; seek peace where you live and pursue it elsewhere; seek peace with your body and pursue it with
your resources; seek peace for yourself and pursue it for others; seek peace today and pursue it tomorrow.¡¯¡¯
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This final exhortation means that one should never despair of making peace; rather, he should pursue it today, and then tomorrow, and the next day ... until he attains it.
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If thick ropes which pull a wagon are strained regularly, they will become weak, and eventually will tear. So it is with strife. If one does not succeed in making peace on his first or second attempt, nevertheless, he should not abandon his pursuit of this
sacred achievement. Ultimately, his words will accomplish. If he will have no effect at all upon the prime quarrelers, because they have become overpowered by the appetite for triumph and are blind to the truth, he may be able to influence those who have been
drawn into a quarrel that is not their own. In this way, he will save them from the bitter retribution which results from strife, in the way of Moshe, who saved Ohn and Korach¡¯s sons.
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Keep reading Day 85, thew lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 85 ¨C Suggesting a Shidduch: The Balance
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In light of the prohibition of misleading one¡¯s fellow (see Days 79-80), one may be reluctant to suggest
shidduchim (marriage matches) altogether; others may feel it necessary to mention every possible shortcoming of the person so as not to be guilty of misrepresenting the truth.
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Few acts of chesed (kindness) can compare with that of helping to build a Jewish home.? One who thinks that a certain young man may be a suitable match for a certain young woman is not responsible to investigate the two and their families before proposing
the match.? That is the responsibility of the parties involved and their parents.
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However, the prohibition against misleading one¡¯s fellow requires that one not suggest a
shidduch unless:
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(1) He believes that given what he knows of their personalities, the two could be a good match, and he is unaware of any reason the relationship should cause pain to either one.
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(2) In his opinion, there is reason to believe that their meeting will ultimately result in an engagement.? (It is wrong to waste a person¡¯s time, energy and emotions!)
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(3) He is not aware of any medical, emotional, or character deficiency that would render one party unfit for marriage.
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(4) He does not feel that either party will have a negative influence upon the other.
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(5) He is not aware that one party lacks something that the other is insistent upon, or has something to which the other has explicitly expressed strong objection.
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Should there be any doubt as to whether any of these conditions have been met; the counsel of a
talmid chacham (a very learned person) should be sought.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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The Quality of Silence
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R¡¯ Yitzchak said: Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute (Chullin 89a).
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R¡¯ Yitzchak¡¯s description of the quality of silence as a craft, conveys a number of important lessons:
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If a person who is unfamiliar with a certain trade seeks to create a product of that trade with his own hands, he will find the task exceedingly difficult, regardless of how simple he may have imagined it to be. To become skilled in a given craft requires a
period of training and experience.
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So it is with the art of silence. The ability to restrain oneself from speaking when the situation warrants silence is, indeed, precious. With the quality of silence, man is protected from the many sins which are related to speech; without it, it is exceedingly
difficult to refrain from verbal transgression.
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A person who exercises restraint in speech only when the possibility of forbidden speech seems likely, but at all other times speaks whatever comes to mind, will be unable to avoid transgression. Such a person is simply not accustomed to restraining himself
in this area, and is totally unprepared when the moment of trial arrives.
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Therefore, one should train himself, like someone learning a craft, to exercise restraint in speech. One must reach the point where such restraint comes naturally to him.
Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a
mute. Then he will surely refrain from forbidden speech and avoid any such sin.
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