Day 81 ¨C Breaking up a Harmful Friendship
? Another form of constructive speech is that which prevents or breaks up a relationship that is harmful to at least one of the parties.? It is correct to suggest that someone distance himself from a person or persons who may have
a negative influence upon him.? Similarly, it is proper to inform a parent that someone may be having a negative influence on his child.? All preconditions must, of course, be fulfilled ¨C including verification of fact constructive intent (see Days 43-50).?
If the information is not firsthand it may nevertheless be conveyed, provided that it is clearly being presented as secondhand information.
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With regard to the requirement of accuracy of the information, the Chofetz Chaim(1) suggests that exaggeration may be permissible if that is the only way to convince the person or parent to end the relationship.
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The Chofetz Chaim adds that it is imperative to explain why conveying the information does not constitute speaking loshon hora, especially when speaking to a child.
? SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON ? Father and Son ?
Even if the quarreler is one¡¯s close relative, including his own father, he should, nevertheless, be exceedingly careful not to join the feud.
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Even if it appears that one¡¯s father is correct in his contentions, one should seek to quell the dispute, rather than to strengthen his father¡¯s hand against his adversary. Aside from the mitzvah of making peace between Jews, one should realize that it is impossible
to see things objectively when one of the parties involved is one¡¯s parent. Sifre interprets the phrase, ¡°...your friend who is like your own soul¡± (Devarim 13:7) as a reference to one¡¯s father, whom one loves like his own self. Thus, deciding between the
positions of one¡¯s father and his adversary is akin to deciding between the positions of oneself and one¡¯s own adversary.
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If a father instructs his son to assist him in his dispute, his order must not be obeyed. For, as the halachah states (Yoreh De¡¯ah 240:15), if a father commands his son to transgress even a Rabbinic decree, his order must be ignored, for both father and son
are obligated to honor the word of Hashem. This is especially true with regard to the severe sin of engaging in strife.
