That should work as I now see the FET in use is the internal FET. You are kind of reinventing the wheel here. This should work but I would?take a look in our files for the Alice circuit as that is a known working one. And really, the Simple P48 is my go to for the small Primo capsules. It is quiet and quite outstanding. It is literally?one resistor and one capacitor, which a lot of people?dismiss as "there aren't?enough components, so something is compromised"?
Your use of two zeners and the FET and 330 ohm resistor?to bias the FET is overkill and may be the source of your noise. And as you mention, this isnt?in a faraday cage yet (the mic body).