On the Beat
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and said, "Why Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That is it," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume!" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
*
Suffering from a Condition
A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a condition that made her lips crack and become sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused much pain and embarrassment.
Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a medication prescribed by her physician. The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective.
After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one.
The receptionist announced the arrival of the returning patient to the doctor: "It's the super gal with fragile lips expecting extra doses."
**
New Species of Weevil
Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's shorts.
The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the general public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect.
They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.
**
During Prohibition
Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine.
Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he'd let us try out some of his first batch of hooch."
The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing's brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey.
"Here, try this and tell me if you think it's aged enough," said the novice moonshiner.
Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie's still's mash is young."
**
Mace, The Dog
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
