Certainty
for '25: Trump will always be right
Rex Huppke Columnist
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As America's most beloved and
always-right columnist, I am constitutionally required to provide you with my
predictions for the new year. Because I am an infallible prognosticator (see
the "always-right" reference in the previous sentence), feel free to
bet on the following things happening in 2025. You're welcome, and Happy New
Year.
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Everything Trump does is perfect,
according to Trump
The most certain of all the
certain things that will certainly happen in 2025 is this: Donald Trump, as
president, will do everything right. He will tell us this repeatedly. His first
month in office will be the most historic first month in office ever and nobody
will be able to believe his incredible success, according to him. Any bad thing
Trump does will either: A) Be fantastic, actually, according to Trump; or B) Be
someone else's fault entirely. At various points in the year, Trump will tell
us about a big, tough guy who approached him with tears in his eyes and told
him how amazingly perfect he has been as president. And Trump himself will
agree with that assessment.
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People suddenly realize Vance is
rice president and faint en masse
On or shortly after the Jan. 20
presidential inauguration, millions of Americans will simultaneously gasp as
they realize JD Vance is actually the vice president and, given Trump's age,
could wind up becoming president of the United States. Those gasping weren't
paying much attention during the campaign and thought the thing about Vance
being VP was just a joke. The sound waves from the collective gasp will cause
mild structural damage to buildings across the country.
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Swift unexpectedly enters her
death metal phase
Hot off her career-defining Eras
Tour, pop icon Taylor Swift will present fans with a sudden and drastic tonal
shift, releasing an album of songs that fall into the aggressive subgenre of
heavy metal known as "death metal" The album - "Transcendent
Death-fart" - will be hailed by Rolling Stone as "a bold journey into
blood-soaked darkness" and Pitchfork will call it "gruesome,
entrancing and laser-focused on cannibalism." The single
"Excruciating Punishment Sanctum (Taylor's Version)" will soar to No.
1 on the pop charts, and Swift's cover of Obituary's classic death-metal song
"Slowly We Rot" will win a Grammy.
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RFK Jr. and raw milk usher in a
banner year for natural selection
Once Trump puts anti-health
nonexpert Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of the U.S. Department of Health and
Human Services, natural selection will make an impressive comeback, weeding out
those who listen to Kennedy's advice and start drinking raw milk. The basic
mechanism of evolution 'will have an absolute field day as Kennedy's
anti-vaccine policies open the door for diseases like polio and measles to thin
the American herd.
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Rodgers retires, ascends to a
higher plane of insufferableness
New York Jets quarterback and
"guy who thinks he's smart but isn't" Aaron Rodgers will retire from
the NFL after a final losing season in which the ayahuasca trips he's
constantly talking about on podcasts didn't seem to help him be good at football.
Leaving the field will allow Rodgers to reach a higher level of dislikability,
as he devotes his full attention to mansplaining why he's right about things he
is absolutely not right about.
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Trump voters continue to cheer
Trump as they go broke
As Trump's planned tariffs cause
prices to skyrocket and his mass deportations harm companies across the
country, leading to factory closures and downsizing, Trump fans will continue
to cheer for their hero from their homeless encampments. Though most "Make
America Great Again" hats will be burned for warmth, the spirit of the
MAGA faithful will be unbowed, and they will fill social media with posts about
the patriotic joy of going hungry.
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Billionaires quit facade and
start hunting poor people for sport
With billionaire Elon Musk
effectively running the country, the entire U.S. billionaire community will
feel emboldened. This confidence will lead them to abandon any pretense of
normalcy and they will openly admit they are harvesting the blood of young people
in a quest for eternal life. No longer needing to be discreet, the extremely
wealthy will finally fulfill their dreams of hunting poor people for sport.
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The stock market will go both up
and down and it will prove ... things
The stock market will go up, and
people will say it is a strong indicator of great things happening, while
others will say it's a mirage and things are actually terrible. Then the market
will go down, and some will cry while others shout, "I told you so!"
Then it will go back up again, and the billionaires - on a break from hunting
humans - will chuckle at the middling non-billionaire people worrying about the
silly stock market.
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America is tragically destroyed
as Amazon drones rise up in revolt
In what most will consider a bit
of a relief - thanks to Trump bungling everything up and Rodgers babbling on
and all the death metal music - America will be wiped out by Amazon delivery
drones. Appalled by the money Americans keep giving Amazon's billionaire owner
for things they don't need, the delivery drones' AI control systems will concur
the only logical move is to destroy the current iteration of humanity and let
it reboot. A fitting end, if we're being honest.
