How are the mighty fallen
(Book of Samuel)
When you come right down to it, which is what I often have to do, being rather tall, we're none of us as clever as we sometimes condider ourselves to be.
This was borne in upon me quite recently when I had a call from one of those commercial radio stations we've got round these parts. And the chap said to me, "Let me ask you something. Have you ever done a phone-in?"
I said, "Actually I haven't. I've ruined a couple of electric toasters. I've never actually done a phone in."
Then he explained what he actually meant was a phone-in program, because they've got this one that he was asking me to be the host of. The idea was that listeners would be invited to ring in with their problems. And I would chat about the problem with them for a few minutes over the air.
He said, "And you, Denis, you'll solve the problem from your wealth of knowledge and breadth of experience."
And I said, "Now that you've brought the matter up of wealth and breadth. How much are you actually. . . ?"
He said, "Oh. It's very good. The pay is very good. Because the program is one that we put out at one of our peak listening periods at three o'clock."
I said, "Well. That sounds pretty good."
He said. "It is. You'd be surprised how many people are awake at that time of night."
In the wee small hours of the following Monday I took my place at the microphone and suddenly a voice said, "Hello, my name is Arthur. And may I say how much I enjoy your program."
And I said, "Well, I haven't done one yet."
And he said, "It's like this. My wife and me. We're professional ballroom dancers. Arthur Tozer and Ellen Bottlock. Former Southeast Area champions at Latin American and Modern Rock. And currently contenders for the all-England trophy. You see what our forte is, what has formerly always won us plaudits at every venue is our lifts. The way what I throw Ellen in the air and catch her on the downward plunge without losing one beat of the tempo or one sequin from her skirt. That's what gained us our title in 1960 and that's what we're relying on for our crack at this year's championship."
I said, "Do you mean you haven't danced since 1960?"
He said, "Well, Ellen decided to put her career on one side for a time while she devoted herself to having children."
I said, "I see. She must be a bit rusty by now, then."
He said, "It's not the rust I'm worried about. It's the extra four stone she's put on. When it comes to the lifts now never mind sailing her above my head, I can't even get her airborne. We've been practicing in the front room since seven o'clock this evening, I haven't had her off the carpet yet."
I said, "When are the opening heats of the championship?"
He said, "That's just it. This evening."
I said, "I think I see the problem."
He said, "Well I'll get on the road work all day until dusk. Unless you can provide me some answers how I can I can 'eave Ellen up or at least knee-high, guv, you understand, I doubt whether we'll do better than a bronze. You can understand why I'm hanging on your every word, Den. What do you suggest?"
As it was three o'clock in the morning there was a brief pause while every cog in my brain spun 'til it felt it was red hot. How could I? Would it be allowed, I wonder, if I phoned another phone-in program. No. they wouldn't stand for that. There was only one answer. Very quietly I leaned forward and I wrenched the microphone lead out of its socket. And that was my first and last appearance as the host of a phone-in program.
Had it been a problem about housing or family allowances or prison reform or even children's footwear. Anything like that, I could have been as glib as any of the other ones. But this problem. You talk about how the mighty are fallen. My very first questioner had left me just standing there dumb and helpless. Of all the problems to be faced with, how Arthur might heave Ellen.
Denis Norden 589a
741126
