I've got a little list
(Gilbert & Sullivan, The
Mikado)
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Dear Mrs. Atkinson,
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First of all, let me thank you
for your very sympathetic letter and in reply to your question, well, yes, I do
still suffer from it.? In fact only last
week I was strolling through the hosiery department of one of the big West End
stores, when right in front of me, I saw a sign that said, "support
stockings."? Now straightaway I went
to offer my support, because when it comes to that long-standing stockings
versus tights debate, it's no secret which side I favor, especially the shiny
black ones.? And it wasn't 'till I
noticed certain elasticized hosiery on that counter that I realized what had
happened once again, Mrs. Atkinson, I had fallen prey to the strange mental
disorder you are inquiring about, the one known in medical textbooks as
literalism.
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Now they describe this
distressing condition as a congenital inability to take words and phrases other
than literally, so if, for example, a sufferer sees an advert for micro-thin
toasters, they wonder how many people like to toast micro-chips; or if he comes
across a tin of turtle wax, he'll find himself musing about the exact number of
pet owners cursed with squeaky turtles.
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What it says, Mrs. Atkinson, for
literalism victims, the mental images that language conjures up, the interior
pictures, they're just not the same as for ordinary people. That's why,
whenever a weatherman points at his little map and says, "Well, as I
forecast, the rain kept up all day."?
I become filled with an unreasoning fury, because, of course, the
literal truth is the rain did not keep UP at all, it kept coming DOWN, all the
time.
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Or to give another example from
my own experience, I still come over all hot when I remember my first plane
flight and what happened when I heard the stewardess say, "We are now
coming in to land, so will you please extinguish all cigarettes and put your
seat in the upright position."
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Because of my leanings towards
literalism, it didn't occur to me that she was referring to the aircraft seat.
So I positioned myself with my rump in the air and my head somewhere down by
the sick bag. And I can now tell you that assuming that posture when the
aircraft is also going into a nose down mode, not only leads to dizzy spells,
but you wind up being escorted off the plane by two orderlies from Helmslow
General.
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So Mrs. Atkinson that's a general
picture of the unhappy disability known as literal thinking. But what your
letter was particularly concerned about was whether you could ascertain if your
twelve-year-old son has developed this dread affliction.
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Well, Mrs. A, it's one of those
heartbreak questions.? All I can say is
that you must look out for the telltale signs of literalism.? You could try a couple of simple tests.? For a start lead him into the kitchen and
show him that knob on your washing machine that says "Pull on, push
off." If he gives it a sharp tug, then straight away leaves the house that
does not bode well.
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Your next step must be to take a
walk down the road, then ask him what comes into his mind when he sees the
house with a sign that saying "neighborhood watch." If he says he
pictures a lot of local people popping in there to ask what time it is, Mrs. A,
I fear you must give up hope.? All you
can do, in that case, all you can do in that case is summon up as much
resignation and borrowing a phrase from W.S. Gilbert, you must say to yourself,
"I've got a literalist."
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Dennis Norden, 880826
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http://www.mediafire.com/?4qo3p76fonepzki
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