Diagnostic
exam: do you have math anxiety?
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By
Paul Rudnick
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1.
When your first grader asks for help solving a Common Core math problem
involving subitizing and stable order, how do you respond?
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(a)
I strangle my child while shrieking, "This is why ... we ... bought ...
you that fancy computer, Liam.
(b)
I tell my child, "Go ask your mother. Your birth mother. I think she lives
in Canada."
(c)
I ask to see the equation, then discuss it with my child using nonsense terms.
Example: "Simply tri-dram the hexabop until the tetramint indoles."
If my child appears confused, I say, "I wish you were smarter."
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2.
If you need to divide a restaurant check by four and calculate the tip, do you:
(a)
Leave your wife's earrings on the table instead?
(b)
Hand the server a printed card reading, "I have math anxiety. Please add
an appropriate gratuity to my portion of the check. I don't care if you
overcharge me. I don't care."
(c)
Calmly hand the check to your husband and say, "Here. Justify your
existence."
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3.
When you watch a movie in which the main character rapidly scribbles long,
complex equations across a blackboard, what are you thinking?
(a)
I read somewhere that Russell Crowe used a hand double for that scene.
(b)
I bet that after they filmed this scene Eddie Redmayne fired his agent.
(c)
In real life, Benedict Cumberbatch can't remember his PIN number.
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4.
What is a hypotenuse?
(a)
A very graceful hypot.
(b)
An overweight chanteuse.
(c)
The French word for profound boredom.
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5.
How do you calculate your car's gas mileage?
(a)
By driving off a bridge.
(b)
I put my head on the hood and listen for the mileage fairy.
(c)
I ask Siri to do it, and then wait patiently for her to stop laughing and
calling me "a sad little man."
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6.
True or false: E=mc squared
Answer:
D-minus.
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7.
When was the last time you needed to do math?
(a)
Never, just like everyone else in the history of the entire world.
(b)
When I was measuring a wall for a bookcase and then decided that I'd rather
move.
(c)
I don't remember, because the last time I heard the words "subprime
interest rates," "the Dow," and "refinance," I blacked
out, and when I woke up everyone in the bank was dead.
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8.
Which would you rather do:
(a)
Use a slide rule to solve a trigonometry problem.
(b)
Use a slide rule as a rectal thermometer.
(c)
Give a slide rule to a math geek as a gift and say, "Finally, you have a
genital."
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9.
Who is the greatest mathematical genius of all time?
(a)
The person who invented the accountant.
(b)
Whoever realized that an abacus is just a decorative accent piece on an East
Hampton coffee table.
(c)
The "Sesame Street" character who, when asked to add two plus two,
replied, "Ask a Muppet who gives a damn."
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10.
What do you do when you travel to a foreign country and need to figure out the
currency?
(a)
I ask, "How much is that in real money?"
(b)
I remind every salesclerk who won the Second World War.
(c)
I hold my American Express card in front of my face and say, in a Pepe Le Pew
accent, "Oh, I the-e-enk ju understond vat I'm talking about, Senor Funny
Money."
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The
New Yorker, October 26, 2015
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