开云体育

You come most carefully upon your hour
(Hamlet – Shakespeare)

I want to tell you of a certain cure for snoring. There are many cures, supposed cures, for snoring ranging from attaching a cotton reel to the small of your back with adhesive plaster right down to a diver's helmet.

But the only two certain cures are MY remedy and the guillotine. And of the two mine is probably preferable.

I didn't realize that I snored. Like all men I didn't BELIEVE I snored because I had no EVIDENCE that I DID snore.

I tried sort of waking up. Terribly quickly but it was no good. I never could hear it.

Then my wife RECORDED it on a tape recorder and played it back. I only WISH I could have let you hear my snore tonight. There are certain copyright difficulties.

I had to do something about it. So, I spoke to a doctor who knows about these things.

And I said, "What do I do about my snore?"

He said, "Snoring. Very easy. When going to bed, towel over head, sniff friar's balsam."

Well, you know, lying back on the pillow with a pillow over my face. That wasn't so bad.
Then came the problem, how to sniff the balsam during the night.

Then I had a sort of good idea. I got a little sponge from one of those, you know those dried up bottles of white stuff you put on your tennis shoes. They had a little sponge in it.

So I got that sponge and I squeezed it and filled it with friar's balsam.

I'll lay it on the pillow beside me. Then in the middle of the night when I start snoring, I'll turn that way and sniff it.

And I suddenly realized that that wouldn't work. because it probably would go in my ear any way.

But principally, one doesn't snore when one's is one's side. One snores when the nose is pointing towards the ceiling

So I realized instantly that the only way to do this was to SUSPEND this small sponge of friar's balsam above my nose from the ceiling.

So the first thing, obviously, was to make a mark on the ceiling above my nose.

So, what I did was I got a LONG brass curtain rod, one of those tube things. And lay back on the bed and bounced on my nose. It was about two feet short

So I got one of those party things that you blow and it goes and it does "WHAA" It unrolls and a feather comes out and tickles your friend.

And I dipped the feather in ink. Then I attached that to the top of this curtain rod tube with adhesive plaster. Then I lay back on the bed, got it vertical, blew very hard and it unrolled at the top and went meaaah and left a little ink spot on the ceiling.

So far so good. Then there's the question of dangling something down to hold the sponge. Then how to FIX it to the ceiling.

Obviously, you could screw it to the ceiling, it'd spoil it.

Then I thought of one of those sink plungers. Those sort of rubber suction things with a handle.

So I thought if I pushed that up, I could tie it and it would just dangle.

So I rushed down to Egham to buy one. But there's been a tremendous epidemic of U-pipe blockages in Egham.

But I was very lucky. I saw one in a MUSIC shop window of all things.

It was DEFINITELY a sink plunger. It had a slightly smaller handle and it was painted gold but it was a sink plunger in a music shop.

I went in and said, "Could I have that sink plunger?"

He said, "It's not a sink plunger. It's a wah-wah mute for trumpets."

And putting the trumpet he had in his left hand to his lips he played Stardust, woggling this thing in front of him. Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.

So I said, "I'll buy your wah-wah mute. It's just what I want."

Rushed home with it. Climbed on my wife's shoulders, and THRUST the wah-wah mute against the ink spot in the ceiling.

It didn't HOLD. It didn't do the SUCTION thing. But of course, it's PLASTER, you see. You know how when you stick those suction things you have to sort of lick round them first

I realized I had to do THAT. I realized I had smear the edge of the wah-wah mute with something sort of soft.

I suddenly thought on the ideal thing. Cream cheese.

I ran down to the kitchen. Do you know we hadn't got any cream cheese? All we had was some white crumbly stuff, very hard dry stuff called care philly.

So what I did. I'm sorry about this. I SPAT in the palm of my hand. And I crumbled the care philly and I wetted it. and rubbed into a sort of putty-like paste

I rushed upstairs I gummed the edge of my wah-wah mute. Put my cheese all round it, climbed back on my wife's shoulders. THRUST. There was sort of a "puh puh" sound. And it STUCK to the ceiling.

And the little sponge of balsam dangled over my nose.

This was only last night. but I DID NOT snore last night AT ALL. isn't that marvelous?

I didn't get to SLEEP. I was really getting used to the towel over the face that I don't sleep.

So I thought you'd like to know.

What was the line?

(Come most carefully upon your hour)

Oh yes. So do remember, if you want to use my system, do remember that all this gadget WON'T stick to the ceiling with a dry rubber thing.

Something you do first: You gum moist CAREFULLY upon your wah-wah.

Frank Muir
640515