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Hi! I am hoping someone can help me find where I read a bit about respect or being your child’s partner. I remember a story or example that went something like this - let’s say your child came home in a huff and slammed the door and threw their coat in the floor and then flopped down on the couch. You then demanded that they go and pick up their coat. Now imagine that was your friend, how would you handle it. - something like that. I would really like to read it again and am not able to find it on Sandra’s website. If anyone can send me a link or remembers where I may have read something like that, I would be very grateful. Thanks!!?

Might it have been in the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", Faber & Mazlish? I haven't re-read that recently, but this story sounds like the kind of thing that _might_ have been in it.

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On Thu, Aug 26, 2021 at 11:33 PM, Jennifer Moore wrote:

Might it have been in the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk", Faber & Mazlish?

I like a lot of the ideas in that book.? Some unschoolers don't like it.? But she's asking about some things in unschooling discussions.

Karen, I looked for something Pam Sorooshian wrote about not going on and on, and just saying "towel" if a kid dropped a wet towel, but she was talking about someone coming in from the pool, casually not hanging a towel up.? Your question is about a child in an emotional state, being expressive by dropping a coat and dropping onto the couch dramatically.

That wouldn't be a good time to nag about hanging clothes up.? The child is upset about something, and came where you were!? How would you treat a friend, a partner, a spouse?? Your own mom?

I love it when I can find the perfect quote, and I hope someone here will. :-)??

Compassion should some before "training" (if training ever comes), and love should come before nagging.? ?I don't always get it right, and even now with grandkids sometimes I criticize when I could just pick the thing up myself and be cheery.? A kid who sets a cup in a precarious place won't do it every time for life.? Move the cup over and be a nice person (I tell myself).? :-)?

Maybe I looked for what I remembered about picking something up rather than "as if it were an adult friend."? I'll look again tomorrow, if someone else doesn't kindly beat me to it! :-)

Also, just tonight I was thinking of bringing all the chat transcripts from the blog where half or so of them are, back to my site so they'll be searchable.? There have been some good stories told in chats.

Until then (and after), it would be good to think of WHY you want to be kind to someone who is stressed, and how you're making memories, for that child, of either a loving mother or a nagging mother.? People don't always make the better choice, but if they tell themselves it doesn't matter, then they'll NEVER make better choices and take more positive paths!

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Sandra?

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(If this doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, it is one.? "AElflaed" is my medieval-studies/SCA name.)

I found this:

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One of my epiphanies as a parent actually came when I realized I was not being as good a friend to my own kids as I was to my adult friends. Changing that made a world of difference.—尝测濒补?奥辞濒蹿别苍蝉迟别颈苍

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Ah, I remember that!! I will try to look for it but I know exactly the “imagine if” story perspective?you were talking about and it was very impactful for me as well. It may have been with another scenario imagining if your husband/partner thought the best way for you to use your time at that moment was for you to stop what you were doing a go clean bird poop off the roof or something - like it felt important to them but seemed TOTALLY UNNCECESSARY to you & how our kids feel that sometimes.?

Compassion and accountability aren't mutually exclusive.? We've been instilled with fear that if we don't "correct" our child's inappropriate behavior (whatever that is) we're somehow condoning it.? Compassion first.? When we do that, the accountability nearly always takes care of itself.??

I'm still looking for these analogies to treating kids as we would treat an adult friend, or partner.? ?I should collect them somewhere. :-)

Maya L. wrote this:

"One from Joyce that has been a continual compass is "how would I feel about my marriage if my husband said that to me or treated me this way [that I am about to do/say to my kids]?" If the answer isn't?wonderful and close, then don't do it. That one almost always clears the un-thoughtful, junk behavior out, haha.?"

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That was from the middle of this larger paragraph:

"I just am so grateful.? We all have so much fun together.? I did not know how to do any of this, or be the person who could be their mother in this way, before I found you all.? Sandra, Joyce, Pam, Deb, Alex, Diana, Rue, Schuyler, many others.? There have been so many points of learning for me and changing old thought patterns. One from Joyce that has been a continual compass is "how would I feel about my marriage if my husband said that to me or treated me this way [that I am about to do/say to my kids]?" If the answer isn't?wonderful and close, then don't do it. That one almost always clears the un-thoughtful, junk behavior out, haha. My daughter said recently, "I'm so glad I don't have to fight with my mom the way [her friend] does. They seem so unhappy."? WOW.? I mean, we DO fight, usually about space because we live in a very small house and can get on each others nerves.? But its okay, we work it out. "

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...which is part of this larger post in 2016:

/g/AlwaysLearning/message/76983

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Found this on the page on tone of voice:

Su Penn wrote:

What struck me about this is that this is exactly the kind of thing my partner David and I might say to each other. "I'm really crashed...I wish I could stay up with you for awhile, but I have to go to bed. I've got a load of laundry in and the dishwasher's ready to go. If you happen to think of it, it would be a big help if you started the dishwasher after the washing machine finishes up. I fed the cats when I was downstairs loading the washer."

Just normal good-night/house business between family members. How cool (there's that word) that you have that with Holly. No wonder she likes you.

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You can see the little story to which Su responded here:??

How do you go about exposing your children to things that you value?

Step back from the word "children" and replace it with "friends" - how does the question change?

There's more there.? Meredith Novak was answering the question.

I saw it here, just a bit ago:?

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That links to the original which is... [drumroll]

in this group :-)? ?September 2012:??/g/AlwaysLearning/message/69008

Sandra

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