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I'm going to quote something from a few years ago (from this group) because I came across a bit of it on Just Add Light just now, but that little bit isn't enough.? But maybe this is too much. :-)

The Just-Add-Light source:?
https://justaddlightandstir.blogspot.com/2019/11/your-move.html

The blog post I was quoting (which was that day not available yet on groups.io, and yahoogroups was about to go away)?
/g/AlwaysLearning/message/78147

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The quote (mostly my writing):

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Sometimes I’ve said that conversations, friendships, relationships, are like a chess game. You don’t get to plan out all the moves in advance and decide the end. You get to make ONE move. Then you wait. It’s a pretty good analogy, and has helped my kids sometimes when they were frustrated with lack of control or influence in a difficult situation. But here’s where the chess analogy is NOT good:

Moon is rising. The night is cool, You’re sitting quietly in a place that was dark and now is lighting up. You say…

"Look at the clouds."

It’s like moving a pawn out.

The other person might just say “hmmmm.” and indicate by that “I heard you, and I have nothing to add to that. I’m looking.”

If it’s chess, it should be played out to the end. :-) But no one has a right to have the whole game/conversation played out. (Unless it’s a tournament, or you’ve paid for 50 minutes of talk therapy… none of my analogies are holding still!!)

So make a move.
Wait.
Maybe the other person really wants to talk about clouds and weather and mystery and fairy tale, airliners and contrails and paranoid theories and North Korea. Maybe really truly NOT.

-=- I have moments of such ease and flow, sharing something relevant with my child and then pausing to see if my child is interested or engaged before I share any more of my own observations or follow my child's lead of further inquiry (or not).-=-

That sounds perfect.

No human in all the history of the world has, or could have guessed right every time, about what to say, how much to say, how quickly, in what tone…
Most humans can get a bit better at it, as time goes one. :-)

I still say too much or too little with/to my husband, after knowing him for 40 years. It happened half an hour ago. Quick, it passed, but it happens. :-)

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The particular post is linked above, but the longer conversation is

Gaze without speaking and/or explore connections

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(This doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, but it is one.)

I was forming the substance of your last paragraph in my head (about your communication with your husband) when it suddenly appeared. I think that as so-called grown-ups we have learned that the socially acceptable thing to do is to acknowledge another person's conversational contributions in a shared space, whether we are interested or not. It's often just a convention that has little to do with actual engagement. My spouse has recently decided that (especially with me) she will ignore such expectations, firmly implanted during her childhood, and only respond when she's actually interested. After my initial pique at being ignored, I am coming to realize that each of us has our own internal conversation going on most of the time and any attempt to interrupt that flow, albeit well-meaning and intended to establish a connection, probably requires getting some kind of consent first. Just like we would when approaching a conversation between two individual people.?

On Thu, Jul 15, 2021 at 12:13 PM, Sidney Morris wrote:

My spouse has recently decided that (especially with me) she will ignore such expectations, firmly implanted during her childhood, and only respond when she's actually interested.

I disagree with the spouse's declaration, and with your comparison to entering someone else's conversation.

It IS expected that if someone speaks to another (especially if they're the only two there :-) ), there will be an acknowledgement or response.??

There are differences in ways of ignoring a person, but still... no response = "ignored you," doesn't it?

-=-...whether we are interested or not. It's often just a convention that has little to do with actual engagement.-=-

Be careful with "just" and with why you would use "just."? I don't think it's a convention that has nothing to do with actual engagement.??

I learned long ago to talk to my husband less—to keep stories shorter, and not to go and ask him what he's doing from my own boredom.? He's an introvert and I was, until recently, quite an extrovert.? That might be a factor in your relationship, or it might not be, but consider it.

Parents will unschool better if they behave in ways they think are kind and good, so that their children will, too, more naturally and peacefully.? Just the other day my grown daughter asked my granddaughter to say please, about something, and they discussed how that's learned, and Holly didn't remember.? We didn't "make her" say please.? Her dad and I said please to each other, even though we didn't "have to."? Even before we had kids, we did.? Other couples we hung out with noted it, and teased us a bit, but I didn't care.? They were bossing each other around and being cold, conversationally.? Some of them also lasted a long time, but didn't have kids.? Keith and I are the only ones of several once-all-childless couples we knew who had kids and stayed together (and whose kids easily said and still say thank you).? The granddaughter...? one parent didn't grow up here, and does just tell her what to do without any "please" about it.? I hope that will change. :-)

Sandra

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(This doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, but it is one.)

I forgot the link to the collection of commentary about "just" and why it can be a problem to clarity:

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(This doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, but it is one.)