I also have a 15 yr old and a 17 yr old, and one of them is extrovert and has high emotional reactivity and struggled with rage and jealousy and feeling powerless when young.
I¡¯d have said most of what Kate and Cara did, but as it¡¯s been so clearly said, I¡¯ll add a few more things I¡¯ve done and found helpful..
- It can help to look into highly sensitive extroverts and what their needs are - is your daughter getting overstimulated, or overwhelmed, even by things you might not be noticing, or wouldn¡¯t even register as a problem?
- It can help to look into highly emotionally reactive folk and learn what helps them regulate their nervous system when they can¡¯t do it themselves. Knowing how to co-regulate another person who¡¯s losing it is real service of the heart, whatever their age, if safe for you. And at 4, I feel it¡¯s most likely safe for you?
- It can help to think about the slights your daughter might be experiencing that you haven¡¯t noticed.. slights by you towards her, and hurts or slights from her brother to her. If she¡¯s feeling slighted, disappointed, rejected, experiencing injustice as she sees it.. and then sees her brother get your time and attention and care while she perhaps thinks he doesn¡¯t deserve it or that she deserves it herself as a balancing of what she¡¯s been experiencing, that could flip her switch in the blink of an eye.
Even if you are giving her time beforehand, or are trying to treat her like her brother, unless you¡¯re addressing the real ¡®thing¡¯ for her so she feels seen and understood, it¡¯s unlikely she will be able to regulate herself when she¡¯s triggered.
I would recommend you don¡¯t shush her/shut her down too quick, try to ignore or distract her, deflect her feelings, or physically restrain her if at all possible. If that was done to me when I was emotionally dysregulated, I¡¯d imagine the hurt in me would be compounded and the rage fuelled even more until the cumulative rage and hurt were like a volcano erupting with little to no way to stop it or to be reasoned with because it¡¯s too late by then.?
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And then all I¡¯d be left with was the thought of how unloveable I was and how shameful my (uncontrollable) behaviour was. And that would be added to the emotional pile inside of me I was already struggling with.
Sometimes kids need boundaries in the moment (we don¡¯t spit at each other here), sometimes they really need kindness, empathy, and understanding.
The one thing I didn¡¯t hear in what you shared, that Cara mentioned, but I think it¡¯s so important I¡¯m repeating it, is empathy. Empathy and validation are powerful soothers and can help her, even at 4, to slow down, feel seen, understood, cared about, and so have a better chance of managing herself over time. And, as others have said, she won¡¯t be 4 forever.
Empathy and validation don¡¯t include explaining what her brother needs, or what you want, or why what she wants is wrong, or rationalising anything that¡¯s happening. That can come later when she¡¯s regulated again. Active listening skills can help, also something like Non-Violent Communication as long as you don¡¯t end up swamping her with words. She sounds like the less words the better by the time she¡¯s hit the point of blowing up. But maybe more listening earlier?
I would not only empathise with the huge feelings and validate them as making sense to you given that she¡ whatever her reason is or what she tells you it is (even if you don¡¯t personally agree that is a valid reason for you).. but I¡¯d also reassure her that you¡¯re not going to leave her alone/abandon her with such huge feelings. That such huge feelings can be too much for a 4 yr old to deal with all on their own and so you¡¯ll stay with her and keep her safe while she feels them all. And then wait. See if she needs a cool damp facecloth to wipe her face, or a glass of water, or a blanket, or whatever makes the most sense to you.
It can also help to look for games or books that teach you DBT skills (dialectical behaviour therapy) for little ones and try playing with her when she is calm and help her develop those skills during play by repeating them often and then explaining while everything is calm and you¡¯re connected, when it could be good to use them. The more she practices them, the better she¡¯ll be able to reach for them in the very moment she needs them.
If she¡¯s behaving like that, she (something inside of her) has a very good reason for it. And is doing the best it can with whatever it knows, to keep her safe or to help her get the love or attention she needs right there and then. If she is very different from you (and everyone in the family, as you described), it can not only be very overwhelming for all of you (and maybe even be breeding resentment), but it can also be very hard to see what that something in her could be or what its ultimately benevolent goal is despite it¡¯s challenging ¡®not terribly good strategy¡¯ to get her there!
Puppet play with soft toys can help (or working with a play specialist).
And I remember that Lawrence Cohen¡¯s book Playful Parenting had loads of power games you can play with kids to help them restore their sense of power and autonomy (but you do need to play to the end once you start or you just compound the problem, so don¡¯t start a power game unless you have all the time you both need to complete it and she lets you know when it¡¯s completed).
That¡¯s all I have off the top of my head.
I managed to do some of these things when my kids were little. I also failed in a number of ways and had to restore balance when my kids were a lot older and able to tell me all the ways I had failed them. Learning about nervous system regulation, DBT skills, leading with empathy, allowing them to process their memories over and over and simply hearing them, empathising and validating their experience, apologising, and sharing ways I would do better (and then doing better), did wonders for us.
I¡¯d have liked to know more about these skills and topics earlier.. for them, but also for me because these have been my own struggles too and have changed my life, learning them and using them (and being able to explain what I needed to loved ones who also didn¡¯t understand or know what to do to help me stabilise more easily).
I hope that something in this reply can help you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.
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Natalie?
