From the anonymous mom who sent the questions in the first place¡ªFEEDBACK, updates and thanks
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First of all, thank you all so much for your thoughts and ideas!? I have a *lot* to think on at this point.? I wanted to touch on some things specifically.
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Sandra wrote to me about "not just lack-of-mental-illness, but *health*"," and it reminded me of a book I'd read recently that said when you fix all the mental illness in someone, you don't necessarily have a happy, healthy person; you have an EMPTY person.? It reflects so much on where we are right now with my oldest:? nowhere near where we WERE, but not yet happy and healthy; empty.? I'm hoping we can walk together in the right direction. <3
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From Debbie:? "There is a bit of fretfulness coming through in the original post." You are absolutely right that I am sometimes veering into "fretful," and honestly sometimes into "frustrated."? I feel like I've given him choices and he keeps making decisions that take him further into the void instead of out of it, and I find myself worried and frustrated.? That's why I'm trying to spend time soaking up words from the "Peace"-related pages on Sandra's site, so I can be in a good place not only when I interact with him but also for my other two.? I know in my head that I can't control/change him, I can only work on me, so I'm trying to let go.? (Though it's frustrating sometimes, watching the choices he makes!)
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Related to Karen's post:? he is definitely an introvert and I am, too--I'm content with that aspect of his personality (tho, interestingly, I wonder if *he* is.....)? I've read?Quiet?and recommended it to him; he'd probably be better with watching the TED talk. ;)? "For all three of us, with depression, distraction helps"??I'm going to try to find a distraction that actually appeals to him.? That might take some digging but I think it would be worth it.
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Belinda wrote her daughter's comment that "if one perceives that the happiness of another person is depending on your own happiness, the pressure is huge and debilitating. She thinks that seeing the mum enjoying the other children and enjoying herself will be a relief to the eldest, not an insult. That the mum will do everyone a favour by keeping a light touch and enjoying life as much as possible."? This is HUGE for me and something I've been really dealing with lately.? I grew up with the phrase "a mom is only as happy as her unhappiest child," and it wasn't until I was in my 40's that I went "wait, WHAT?? THAT'S not healthy."? Add to that the fact that a lot in my life right now is really draining (even disregarding the situation with my oldest); I realized that I need to be really careful with myself (for lack of a better phrase) to stay healthy and happy for my youngest.??
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I did laugh at the "pink lady apples" reference:? I literally buy a bag of pink lady apples at the store every week just for him, and slice one up for him every day when I make lunch for my youngest.? I thought it was fun that of all the ideas she could have, it was about pink lady apples.? :)
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Sandra, this was comforting:? "Hearing happy sounds outside can be good.? If the other kids are happy, and the mom is singing or humming or joking or laughing, and if I were in a dark room brooding, it would make me feel better."? He spends a LOT of time in his room brooding (thankfully not in the dark anymore; he's taken to opening his blinds--an interesting side-effect of three days spent in inpatient treatment where he couldn't see out the windows) and I always feel like we must be irritating him.? Because we ARE happy, out here, and my girls can be LOUD sometimes, and I have this idea that we're making him crazy.? But maybe it's a comfort to hear us, and I'm going to choose to look at it that way from now on.
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I've already touched on your idea about "If you have any ideas that you shouldn't be happy unless your oldest child there is also happy, step out of that little dark cloud!? The other kids need you."? YES.? Yes, they do.? My youngest is 8--she needs her mama to BE there and not be exhausted and drained.??
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"Also, don't blame a depressed or reluctant kid for bringing down the mood.? Trees cast shade, but they're easy to live under, with and around. :-)? Sometimes the shade is wonderful."??I love this so much.? We can live together without him needing to affect us....and maybe (hopefully) we will affect him.
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Thank you ALL so, so much for such *full* lists of ideas.? I feel like I can "do something" on my end, even if I can't actually *make him change.*? I feel less helpless.
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Side note:? While everyone else was entering lockdown in 2020, my son finally started emerging from the isolation that he'd created for himself.? He is going out with friends frequently, in spite of the covid-craziness (we live in a pretty relaxed state; we're doing All The Things, just with masks lol).? He has very *few* friends, but that's always been his nature.? He attends a support group for teens with anxiety and depression once a week and sees his people, and then gets together probably three times a week outside of that with two guys from the group. His depression began well before Covid/lockdown, but interestingly he's had more of a social life during the pandemic than he did before!
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Again, thanks for listening, and for so many thoughts shared,
