I wish I had more to offer, but I ran this past my 18yo unschooled-till-recently daughter to get her take on it as she has had some mental health obstacles of her own. I think her words are potentially helpful so I’ll share them here.

Her first and main thought was that if one perceives that the happiness of another person is depending on your own happiness, the pressure is huge and debilitating. She thinks that seeing the mum enjoying the other children and enjoying herself will be a relief to the eldest, not an insult. That the mum will do everyone a favour by keeping a light touch and enjoying life as much as possible.

But this came with the caveat that she is also paying attention and doing small sweet things without pressure. She said ‘if he likes pink lady apples for example then get those ones and pop one on his bedside table, but don’t ask him if he enjoyed it - just notice if he ate it’

She also said it really helps if your environment is nice so for the mum to pop in and tidy up gently (with permission) and put stuff away or light ?candles while chatting lightly and not talking about what she’s doing very much. Or maybe just popping in saying ‘I miss hanging out with you sometimes, can I just watch my program/do my knitting/eat my lunch etc in your room?’ might be nice.

And i know the poster was looking for more, for ideas to make it better, but my daughter was adamant that a mum can’t fix the depression, just be a good partner and give it time, and quietly look out for people who might be in a better position to help. Though there might not be anyone who can do more than what you are already doing.

Belinda