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once we were in a shop and a woman told us we should go. I ?asked if she was saying we weren't welcome. She said that was right, and so we left. My son was confused and asked why we were going when we had just arrived and I told him it was because we weren't welcome. He asked why we weren’t welcome there and I didn’t myself know why, so I just told him I wasn't sure.

I don't know more about the situation myself, and I don't nkow what sort of shop, and what the child was doing. ?Maybe he wasn't doing anything loud or dangerous at all.

Some shops aren't good for kids. I've seen shops with crystal things down low, and knew that even someone with a stroller and a sleeping baby could have a hard time in small aisles and expensive merchandise. ?

Some shops have policies against too many kids being in at once, or in school-age kids being in during school hours.

?I tried to think of it from an unschooling perspective. Pick joy. Pick peace. Getting confrontational with the woman didn’t seem like picking joy or picking peace, but neither did submitting to her request that we leave. That seemed more like picking compliance, picking defeat.?

"Pick" isn't as clear or as good ads "choose," for remembering how to make decisions. :-)

Just words? ?Maybe so. ?But if advice from my site, or this group, are to be cited, I'd like for it to be clearer. ?Choose a more peaceful option, of the two or three options the mom thinks of to consider. ?

The other word choices there, though, are words that might not be necessarily as precise or clear as they could be either, though: ?"submitting," "compliance," "defeat."

"Acceptance" as in accepting that it was her shop, and it wasn't a good time to be confrontational is more joyful and peaceful than "defeat."

...before I had children, and responding with submission has consistently been my method of operating.?...

If the mom has a non-confrontational personality, there's no reason to adopt or try out confrontation just because a child is with her. ?It's more reason not to. ?The mom could be wrong—could be over-reacting, might have misunderstood. ?She might want to shield the child from bullshit if there is bullshit, and deal with it online or by phone when he's having a nap later.

Kids worry enough about things they don't understand or that are far away from them, without parents exposing them to real, immediate problems that the child can't prevent or control.

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-=-Do my choices help them feel safer? More loved? More cherished? What choices would in those moments? Are even the most helpful questions to be asking?-=-

I think those are good questions. ?

But even beyond love and safety, is the situation entertaining and fun? ?Is the child learning something interesting?

There are places that aren't fun for kids, because the merchandise is expensive or fragile, or the parent doesn't have enough money to buy something. I avoided LOTS of gift shops in museums and other places when my kids were little, because of the expense or the reality of needing to say no to happy requests for expensive (cool looking but $40) things, with three kids, or three and their friends too.

On a spectrum of frustrating and dangerous situations, there is engaging in or causing them at one end, and staying home sitting on something soft at the other, maybe. :-) ?If a parent can even imagine some ways to cause problems, then move from that "choice" to whatever is closer to more peace and mobility and reasons to smile.

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Sandra

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