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?THE POSTMAN Anybody watching the impeachment trials in the afternoon? I must confess that it is not my first choice for afternoon tv programming choices. I doubt that the outcome will be that surprising. The dems will all vote guilty. The GOP will all vote not guilty. For the most part, life will not really change much for the little guy, like me, right? The outcome really don't matter. You know, I do sorta wish that both parties would spend as much effort on solving our nation's problems as they are on the impeachment. The worst part of the impeachment proceedings? It blocks my favorite afternoon tv show :( ENJOY THE JOKES ? North America, few hundred years ago. An Indian is sitting, smokes a pipe. ? Breathes in, breathes out. His son comes up to him:? - Daddy, I have a question? - Well, what is it?? - Why do we have such long names? Yankees, for example, have much shorter ones - John, Simon, Nicolas and similar.? - Our names come from nature. When your mother was born, there was a wonderful dew, so that is why she is called Fresh Dew. When your sister was born, there was a brilliant sunset. So that why she got the name Red Sunset. So, do you have any more questions, F***ing Bison?? ?? ?What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.? Little Christine ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. ? "What's wrong, dear?" asked her mother.? "My doll! ? Bobby broke it!" she sobbed.? "How did he break it, Christine?"? "I hit him over the head with it."? ?? On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. ? Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"? "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."? ? When I met April, I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.? "No."? "Good. Lie down. I wanna talk to you."? ? ?dropped it ?http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0013.html bacon http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0014.html the English dictionary http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0015.html coffee is good http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0016.html duct tape http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0017.html dynamite http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0018.html dumping you http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0020.html drop the gun http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0021.html everything will kill you http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0022.html drug sniffing http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0023.html ? ?up till four with the baby ??http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0024.html snow http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0025.html freshly cleaned house http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0026.html

THE POSTMAN So Turk the dog, aka Carlos the rat, has his own mind. And he also has a "look" very similar to the war dept. Seems that he has never caught on to the idea of barking when he needs to go out. You know, that mutt will bark at everything. Snowflakes, leaves, squirrels ...u name it. But bark to let us know he needs out? NAHHH! What that dog does is he stands at the door and gives you a patient look. He may not always get the right door to the outside. It may be the upstairs door, or the bathroom door etc. Right? So the other day he is standing there in front of the closet door, the look on his face saying, "Come on fat man, you know what I need here." So just for chits and giggles, I open the closet door. He looks, and then he looks back at me with that look that says, "Old man, you're an A**hole, you know that?" I have come to the conclusion that reading the expressions on my dog's face and the face of the war dept. are probably very similar. ENJOY THE JOKES How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony? It isn't hard ? ?? There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. ?There were two city gals and one farm gal. ?The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. ?Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record. ?He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them. ?He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. ?He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. ?They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. ?Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. ?He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. ?He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.?She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him. ? ? When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk". ?? "May I have some stationery?" a man asked the hotel clerk.? "Are you a guest of the hotel?" asked the clerk.? "No, I'm paying sixty dollars a day," said the man.? ?? The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.?One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.?The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A BULLET FOR JESUS STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"?Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director? and the assistant pastor.?After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting i

POSTMAN So far my dieting resolutions for 2020 have worked out about as well as 2019. Probably I will not have to rush out and buy new skinny jeans anytime soon. I think its a balancing issue. See, I have been trying to eat more salad, I really have. But then I fall over, and my salad lands in the garbage and it gets all this pizza on it. So my salad is all covered with pizza. Yeah, that's it. Well ok, I told my trainer that too, and he did not believe it either. ENJOY THE JOKES Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. ?Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.?Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"?When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?"?Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."? ?? Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.?"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."? "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"?"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.? A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?" The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now." A traffic cop sees a car zooming past with 12 penguins in the back seat. He pulls the car over. "What do you plan to do with these penguins?" the officer asks. "I don't know," the driver replies. "I suggest you take them to the zoo right now," the officer said. "I'll do that right now," the driver replied. But the next day, same place, same time, the officer sees the same car zoom past with 12 penguins in the back seat. He pulls the vehicle over and yells, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" The driver, confused, stumbles back, "I... I... I did officer... and today we're going to the movies!" vegetarians http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0041.html good for wasps http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0042.html just because I'm smiling http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0043.html my husband asked me http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0044.html thank god http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0045.html act my age http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0046.html life starts going well http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0047.html If I water it http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0048.html chill in the fridge http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0049.html he is the one http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0050.html a homicide detective http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0051.html having a heart attack http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0052.html look straight http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0054.html a fake number http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0055.html

THE POSTMAN did you ever notice how things disappear? like how bout inferiority complex? We do not use those words anymore, its sortof a left over from the 60s, right? Nobody wants to be called inferior. Everything is supposed to be "think positive" these days, right? So you know the best way to do that? First put a bumper sticker on your car that says "Honk if you think I am sexy" Then, just sit at all the green lights! You will feel better about yourself in no time! ENJOY THE JOKES A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?" She said, "Well, yes, but only once." "Once is all it takes," he replied. Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked. "Well, yes," she said, "but only once." "Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, "only once" and he replied that that was all it took. Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. "Oh, thank God," she exclaimed, "at least it doesn't bark!" A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray.? He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.?He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.?Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.?The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.? As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.? "What's the big idea? Eek!"?One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined.?This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: ... you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink? ?? Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.?The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."? With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"? ? One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink." It's a baby camel goes to see his mother and asks her "Mom, why do we have a lump on the back?" She replies "It is to be able to store the water for more time my da

THE POSTMAN BREAKING NEWS: In order to cover the costs of the impeachment trial, the democrats are now offering the following funding: Be sure to purchase your penholder today! Enjoy the Jokes! ? When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..." he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground."I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you." In my defense, toupee and teepee sound similar “I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike. Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?” Me: “No.” Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.” The next day the same discussion took place: Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?” Me: “No.” Mike: “He is the author of The 3 Musketeers. If you took night courses you would know this.” Now this time I got irritated and said, “And do you know who Steven Turner is?” Mike: “No.” Me: “He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night classes you would know this!” you me the sunset what more could a person want? A blow job The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you? women's rights http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0071.html manager walks in http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0072.html my luck is so bad http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0073.html he rides along http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0074.html a Sikh http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0075.html the land down under http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0076.html wife material http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0077.html gives you permission http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0078.html the bbq http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0079.html read that part again http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0080.html I need to start saving money http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0081.html hurt your sibling http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0082.html how many times http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0083.html in under 2 minutes http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0084.html a threesome http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0085.html

THE POSTMAN I have a great idea! I think I am going to start another zine! I just really love doing this stuff. I think I will branch out and offer cooking tips. what do you think? ENJOY THE JOKES ? ?I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?" ? "Because I'm a prostitute." ? ?? 10 Things Men Know ? 1. Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. ? 2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house. ? 3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win. ? 4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted. ? 5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game. ? 6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them. ? 7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself. ? 8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them. ? 9. Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed. ? 10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there. ? ?? Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. ?One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. ?The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black." ? Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. ? Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. ?At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. ? Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!" ? ?? There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. ? One day when she came home from work she discovered that her ? beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. ?The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, ? "Have you seen my Titswiggle?" ? Then the boy said, ? "No, but can that be my reward?" ? my life goal http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0086.html give him a fake number http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0087.html went too far http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0088.html didn't sleep well last night http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0089.html forgot to bring your phone http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0090.html same sex relationship problems http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0091.html today's society http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0092.html Canadian road trips http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0093.html everyone thinks you are wrong ?http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0094.html raised by vegans http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0095.html a perfect time http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0096.html are you free http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0097.html sorry about the mess http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0098.html finally home http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0099.html one more http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0100.html ?

THE POSTMAN Wow, been almost a week since I got an issue of this thing done. No health issues, just lazy, I guess. Some of you, like my buddy Teddy, wondered if there was something wrong. Well there is a lotta things wrong in this world. But the postman running outta jokes? nahh not gonna happen.! Great Valentines day? The war department and me did the typical, dinner and a concert. Simple pleasures for a simple life, right? Dinner at our favorite local fast food Mexican joint cuz they had a burrito BOGO. And then she took me to the symphony, of all things. Now that may be surprising for a guy like me. Dunno if I am a redneck, but I am pretty sure that my neck is a little sunburned. The war dept. has taught me over the years that that it is possible to have a little culture aside from that in your cottage cheese or buttermilk.:) ENJOY THE JOKES! One morning a man tells a coworker that her hair smells nice. The woman gets enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares she’s filing a sexual harassment suit.Come on, says the supervisor, what’s wrong with a guy telling you your hair smells nice? He’s a f****n’ midget A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.” Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.” ? Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:? 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.? 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.? 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.? 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.? 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.? 6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.? 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.? 8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.? 9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.? 10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.? ?? Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:? 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.? 2. Wrinkles don't hurt.? 3. Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.? 4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.? 5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.? 6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.? ?? WHAT IS PROMOTION AND MARKETING?? "If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground Saturday," that's advertising. ? If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk him into town, that's promotion. ? If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed, that's publicity. ? If you can get the mayor to laugh about it, that's public relations.? And if you planned the elephant's walk, that's marketing."? ? the first shot http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0101.html what is he thinking http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0102.html a guft http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0103.html does it hurt http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0104.html doesn't matter how cold it is http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0105.html having a bad d

THE POSTMAN So just a quick chat with you married guys. We are all in this together right? Cuz I am sure yours has said it to you too..."Honey, you need to get this done or that done," Right? That dreaded :Honey do..." List. Do that do this, and the list never seems to get less. But anyways,,, No sense in replying, to her cuz no matter what you say, she will say, "Well I told you to do that last week didn't I?" And you know what? I was trying to think of a response when the war department called me LAZY! I mean come on! Can you believe that? I do not understand why she had to get so graphic and mean. I mean, think about it. lazy is just an ugly term...can't we call it "selective participation"? Want to guess what her response was to that question? Well, never mind. ENJOY THE JOKES ? A bride called to make a change to her wedding list. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change something on her list at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). ?The Customer Service Representative told her that John Lewis would be happy to make the change. ? He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens.The bride said, "No, keep all that. I just wanted to change the name of the groom."? ?? forbidden? A slice of chocolate covered cheesecake that goes right to my hips, that would be forbidden The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. ? The doc examined him and backed away, saying,? "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."? "Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman.? "Do you want to write your will?"? "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."? ?? An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.? "Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.? "I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world." Said the Australian.? "Are you?" said the other, "you have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."? and to my gold digger wife I leave my pic and shovel ? A Guy urgently needed a few days off work, But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave. he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy" Then he would tell him to take a few days off. So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling & Made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing. He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" He told him he was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home & recuperate for a couple of days." He jumped down & walked out of the office... When his co-worker (the blonde) followed him, The Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?!" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!! There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'" got pulled over http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0116.html sending in the military http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0117.html the matrix http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0118.html morning wood http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0119.html dealing with a bully http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0120.html you have to stop http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0121.html most adults in the world http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0122.html parking http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0123.html student loans http

THE POSTMAN Did you miss the great democratic debate? Well, fortunately for you, here at the POSTMAN, we did not...The postman provides an honest evaluation of the debate for you.... ENJOY THE JOKES A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”? The doctor replied, “Show me.”? So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.? She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”? ? A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.? She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.? A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.? As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.? Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”? To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”? _______________________________________ Mother Mary tells Jesus to take a bath ? A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.? “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”? “Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.? The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”? Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.? “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”? “Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.? “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.?“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.?“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”? “Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.? “I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!? ? Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.? Waiter: Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?? ? Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.? Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?? ? Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.? Waiter: That’s all right sir, he won’t drink much.? ? Customer: Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup.? Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.? ? Lady: Is this my train?? Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.? Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.? Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.? if you are going to fuck it up http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0131.html won't stop talking http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0132.html small minded hustlers http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0133.html the home intruders http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0134.html no place like home http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0135.html bored sheep dog http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0136.html anything you can do http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0137.html a socialist http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0138.html 3 d stooges http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0139.html voting rights http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0140.html a fart sound http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0141.html doing nothing http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0142.html get your hand off http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0143.html archeologists have discovered http://thepostmanscorner.net/gmp06/xx0144.html this year at valentines.

THE POSTMAN So, I am sitting at the breakfast table. you know that morning drill...watch the war dept. munch her toast while I sip my coffee. She has got that look in her eye. You married guys all know it? The one that says "oh oh, I am in trouble..."Anyways I knew she had something to say.... "What???" "Oh its nothing." "When you say its nothing that means its something." "Well, I just think you should step up your game plan with the healthy living thing." I groan heavily. She is right you know. But being a stubborn man, I cannot admit that to her. So I say... "I have to eat a lot of cake. And I certainly cannot do a lot of that excersize stuff." "why?" "Its obvious, when an evil clown tries to pull me into the sewer and I won't fit. See, I will still survive." (Given the way she rolled her eyeballs at me, you know how women do that, right?I am guessing she didn't agree with my premise.) ENJOY THE JOKES “My teenage daughter came home in a rage.? ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’? I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”? ??? The year is 2252 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. ?They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.?Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.?Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.? “Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.?Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. ? Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. ? He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.? I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” ? “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”? “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. ? With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.? “Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”? “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. ? With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.?“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.?The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. ?As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”? “It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”? ? A Girl's First Time? As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.?He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.?He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.?He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.?His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.? After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and