An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was?
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" ?
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" ?
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" ?
"No," replied the man. ?
"Do you drink in excess?" ?
"No." replied the man. ?
"Do you have a sex life?" ?
"Yes, I do!" ?
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to?
give up half your sex life. ?
"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the?
thinking?"?
??
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
Bad Golfer:? "Whack!"? "Fuck!" ?
Bad Skydiver:? "Fuck!!"? "Whack!!" ?
?
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a?
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.?
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more?
unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.?
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"?
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."?
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."?
?
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up??
pregnant.?Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order? she belonged to?
wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret? safe, possibly right up until?
the birth.?And so it did, and upon the evening? when the contractions started, she rushed?
down into the basement, hoping that? no one would hear either her own moaning, or the?
cries of the newborn child.?After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with?
the? baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order,? with no place for?
food or shelter.?Knowing that the Mother Superior was a? wise woman, and also having no other?
options, she placed the baby in a? basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in?
the pre-dawn? hours.?She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.?At sunrise, the?
Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just? waking from a nap. She quickly?
looked over the side of her bed, at the child? in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful?
look, and? dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any? more!?
?
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while?
drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says?
"Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks?
back to town.?The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends?
up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says?
"I'll walk." And she does.?The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five?
miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his?
clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her?
why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She?
answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles.?
But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."?
?
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