THE POSTMAN SAYS
You know, someone told me that I
should be doing something constructive.
Being its the holiday season, I should
try helping out. Maybe like I should?
volunteer my time? But what should I do?
I know, like people get together for Toys
for tots and donate used toys to kids, right?
Maybe we could start collecting used dildos.
We could give them away to poor women and
we could call it toys for twats?
OK, so maybe I'll stick to telling jokes.
?
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want?
to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your?
brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that.?
I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
?A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water?
skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday,?
I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday." ?
"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about." ?
"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address." ?
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her preacher husband?
somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic. ?
As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays." ?
"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted.? "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second,?
the people who need to hear it most won't be in church.? Why don't you preach about sex or something?
most people are interested in?" ?"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on?
Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly. ?His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to?
sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car.? You can tell the congregation I'm?
sick or something."? ?And she stayed in the car. ?
As the preacher walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his
wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the?
proper role of sex in modern society. ?When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by?
the preacher's car and remarked to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning.??
"Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."?
"Hmmmpf.? I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject,"? his wife snapped.?
"He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times." ?
Three priests are chatting when the first priest says he's going to give up red meat for lent.?
The second priest thinks for a minute and says he's going to give up sweets for Lent. The third?
priest's attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when?
the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent. After regaining control of himself?
he returns to the conversation and replies, 'Celibacy.' ?
?
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand. 'And so after?
you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal?
dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he?
was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?' 'Yes,' she answered. 'Come to think of it...
there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.' 'And, when was that?'?
'When he asked for the second cup.'?
?
