Daily Clean Jokes for April 21, 2025
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Daily Clean Jokes for April 21, 2025 Missing podium, folks think is bound To turn up soon.??It must be around ????????????In the building somewhere. ????????????It was located there In a room aptly named?lost?stand?found. ? Carol and Chris got it. Don't settle for the world as it is.? Work for the world as it should be. Received from Kirk Miller. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today¡¯s Clean Pun:??If George Washington were alive today, he couldn't throw a silver dollar across the Potomac because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Quote-of-the-Day:??"Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order."?-- John Quincy Adams ? ? Today¡¯s One-Liner:??"This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own."?-- Dave Letterman ? ? Quick Joke ? There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service. ??? During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?" ? Received from Laugh & Lift ? ????????? A Sketch 'Funny' ? Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. ? The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. ? On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower. ? Forwarded by Steve Sanderson ? ----- ? Either you love bacon or you're wrong. ? Received from Mikey's Funnies ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? Daily Thoughts ? "A story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end ...??but not necessarily in that order."?-- Jean-Luc Godard ? "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."?-- S?ren Kierkegaard ? "The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety."?-- George Mueller ? ----- ? Brown Pants ? Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon." ? The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!" ? The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat. ? The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting." ? The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!" ? The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!" ? ----- ? Can't Outsmart a Rancher ? A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. ? The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!" ? The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher. ? The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas rancher. ? "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale"? ? "Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick." ? The salesman said he and his son would be right out. ? After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500. ? "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!" ? "What extras"? asked the salesman. ? "I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!" ? Basic Cow: $500.00 ? Two Tone Exterior: $45.00 Extra Stomach: $75.00 Product Storing Equipment: $60.00 Straw Compartment: $120.00 Four Spigots at $10 each: $40.00 Leather Upholstery: $125.00 Dual Horns: $45.00 Automatic Fly Swatter: $38.00 Fertilizer Attachment: $185.00 ? Grand Total: $1,233.00 ? Received from Steve's Just for Grins ? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? I cannot shop at Costco anymore. ----- Macho Man ? A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. ? As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows." ? The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'" ? "Heard what?" ? "Herd of cows." ? "Sure, I've heard of cows ... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." ? Received from Steve Sanderson via GCFL. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. ? ----- ? Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up. ? ----- ? Bet Ya' Didn't Know: ? Captain Kirk's Enterprise crew numbered 430. His successor, Captain Picard, had 1,012 under his command. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? The Cybersalt Digest ? Lion Tamer A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was looking for my father." ----- Today's One-Liner:? ? ? ?I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. It was spam. ----- Free Legless Parrot! Am giving away a legless parrot for free. No perches necessary. ----- Quote Even though you didn't make it to the end of my story, I will always have the corner folded down on your page ... because it was one of my favorites. - Unknown ----- Slanderous Statements A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
----- ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Exercise ? I'm so tired of exercising. I think five thousand sit-ups??should be pretty much permanent. You should be at home,??you're on your last and final jumping jack, and you get??that phone call, "Congratulations! You have completed the??exercise portion of your life. Welcome to the incessant??eating section. ? Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle ? ? Punnies ? I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading. ? I suggest most cross dressers have hidden a gender.?(Gary Hallock) ? I went out to buy some goose feather pillows but I found they were so expensive I couldn't even afford the down payment.?(Rev. Tom Davis) ? If a pig loses its voice, it becomes disgruntled. ? ? Police Joke ? A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. ? "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. ? "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ? Received from aJokeADay.com ? ? Angelic Assistance? ? An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. ? Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, ¡°All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!¡± ? With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse¡¯s back¡ªand fell off the other side. ? From the ground again, he called out, ¡°All right, just half of you angels this time!¡± ? From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.??Received from Beliefnet.com.??BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown - but we thank them. ? ? Overheard at a dude ranch: ? "Say, isn't that fine-looking bunch of cows over there." ? "Not 'bunch; it's 'herd'." ? "Heard what?" ? "Herd of cows." ? "Sure, I've heard of cows! there's a big bunch of 'em right over there." ? Received from Daily-Humor ? ? Punnies ? I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading. ? I suggest most cross dressers have hidden a gender.?(Gary Hallock) ? I went out to buy some goose feather pillows but I found they were so expensive I couldn't even afford the down payment.?(Rev. Tom Davis) ? If a pig loses its voice, it becomes disgruntled. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? ?By Michael Roizen, M.D. When you pop an aspirin, you're taking the world's most widely used medication, according to a study in Vascular Pharmacology. It's been a favorite for 3,500 years, ever since Sumerians and Egyptians used willow bark (it has aspirin's active ingredient in it) to treat pain and fevers. But it is important that it be taken correctly -- otherwise, it can cause risky bleeding and gastrointestinal distress or, conversely, you may miss the chance to avoid blood clots, heart attack and stroke. ? Received from Da Mouse Tracks. ?? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ? ? Give?us a sense of humor,? Give us the grace to see a joke, ? To?get some humor out of life, ? and pass it on to other folk? ...?? Have a great?day?unless you have other plans. ? Compiled by: Marilyn L. Van Driesen.? Our New Groups Email Addresses ? Post:?mailto:[email protected] ? Subscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Unsubscribe:?mailto:[email protected] ? Group Owner:?mailto:[email protected] ? Help:?mailto:[email protected] ? PASS IT ON! Yeah, you can send these jokes to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it!?? ?? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ? |
