I got a REALLY neat insight today as I was going about my morning rounds and
thinking about Connee's question of WHo am I and Who do I want to be and How
do I want to present myself to the universe and everyone else?
I was thinking that I should call Al to see if he wants to go to the meeting
with me tomorrow and then I thought about Dr. Jackson and wondered when we
could meet and talk Vet stuff and then I passed the Emergency Vet Hospital
that dropped my first dog Pasha off the table and his whole paralysis thing
which is relavent to this question because his accident and his entry into
my life caused me to trash my photojournalism career and get into dogs and
for a LONG time I started off my client meetings telling them about him and
our trials and tribulations and that I had worked with aggressive dogs, sort
of as a backwards way to reassure them that I would take Great care of their
dogs since I had fucked up with mine. And then it HIT ME, Pasha died when
he was 2 1/2 years old, the DAY after all of this Abe stuff clicked in for
me, I was in the car, listening to a tape and it all became clear to me,
everything that they were saying just made sense for the first time. I was
SO excited I rushed home and he was on his leash in the front yard and I
threw my arms around him and told him, that I GOT IT, I REALLY Understood it
now and He was Free to heal himself now. I felt On Top of the World and
Totally invincible and I thought he was staying paralyzed to help me learn
this stuff so it all made sense in a psychotic sort of way. Well, the next
morning he died in my arms out of no where.
SO, this morning as I was driving and my mind was wandering it Hit Me, part
of my resistence to the Farm is that I'm afraid when it gets going Cordy
will die on me as well. He's 2 and 4 months and as neurotic as it sounds
once it occurred to me, it actually made sense. SO, when I got home I took
him for a 2 hour romp to prove to myself that he's Healthy and Vibrant and
Full of Life and Loving Life. But I've still got a ways to go to really let
go of this. I guess my fear is that I will relax and trust that
everything's ok and then something awful will happen, Cordy or my Mom or
Gram will die, or my Dad, something will happen to ruin the perfect moment
or to make me regret going for my dreams. I have evidence of that happening
in my life in the past and it really Sucks when it happens.
So, now that I know what's in my vibe, what can I do to transform it? Any
hints?
LOVE YA- Juls
