SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 58 ¨C Avoiding Flattery
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Even where it is permissible to speak negatively for a constructive purpose, one must avoid insincere flattery.? It is forbidden to be critical of someone when he is not present, yet demonstrate approval of his behavior in his presence.?
If the concern is that the person¡¯s feelings not be hurt, then the solution is to express respect and concern for him as a person, but clear disapproval of his behavior.
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If one is certain that reproof will be ignored, and is therefore prepared to publicize the person¡¯s behavior as an attempt to induce him to change his ways, one must nevertheless approach the sinner first, so as not to be suspected of insincerity.
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In the above case, where it is clear that the person will not be moved by rebuke, one can remove the need for first speaking to him by dispelling any possible suspicions concerning one¡¯s own sincerity.? For example, if one speaks against the perpetrator in
public (in the presence of three) rather than speaking to individual members of the community in private, it becomes clear to all that the speaker could not be attempting to gain favor with the perpetrator by showing acceptance of his behavior.? Similarly,
if the speaker is known to be zealous and outspoken and would not be suspected of flattery, he could resort to private discussion.? Also, if it is clear to all that the perpetrator is a difficult personality, and publicly criticizing his behavior could be
dangerous, then one may speak against him in private without fear of personal suspicion.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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A Proper Outlook
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Anyone who sincerely strives to emulate Aharon HaKohen, who loved and pursued peace, must refrain from speaking loshon hora and from accepting as truth the loshon hora related to him by others.1 To accept gossip as truth is to be led along the path of sinas
chinam (baseless hatred), quarreling and strife.
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When a person is told that So-and-so has spoken or acted negatively toward him and he accepts this report as fact, he will inevitably quarrel with that person. In the end, the two will become bitter enemies, to the point that each will seek the downfall of
the other and will rejoice over the other¡¯s misfortune.
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Now, would the listener react in the way dictated by Torah, all this would not occur, for upon hearing the report, he would think to himself that perhaps the information is entirely false, or at least laced with falsehood in a way that totally alters the true
nature of what had occurred. Or, perhaps the speaker had omitted certain key details which, had they been mentioned, would have cast the matter in an entirely different light. As we all know, even a change of nuance can alter a word portrait drastically.
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Would the listener follow the way of Torah, he would seek some source of merit for the alleged perpetrator. Perhaps whatever had been done was committed without intent to harm. Any and all of the above possibilities would preclude ill feeling and ensure that
strife not come between the two parties.
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???? As prohibited by the verse, ¡°Do not accept a false report¡± (Shemos 23:1).
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Keep reading Day 59, the lesson for Shabbos
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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM
Day 59 ¨C Character Deficiencies
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Helping one¡¯s fellow to improve his character also falls within the realm of
toeles, constructive purpose.? If an acquaintance requires character refinement, then the
mitzvah to reprove one¡¯s fellow Jew requires one to bring the matter to that person¡¯s attention with care and sensitivity.? However, if one feels incapable of offering reproof and knows that others are also aware of this person¡¯s character deficiencies,
he is permitted to discuss the matter with them and seek their advice or involvement, if necessary.? Though we have seen that it is lowly and forbidden to speak negatively of someone even with those who are already aware of the information, constructive speech
is not at all lowly.
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Should one find it necessary to consult with someone who is unaware of this person¡¯s deficiencies for guidance in how to approach the person, he may do so, for this too constitutes constructive speech.? However, if it is possible to discuss the issue without
mentioning names, then this course must be followed.
We have already seen (Day 53) that if one seeks the active involvement of someone who is unaware of the situation, that individual would have to investigate the matter personally and verify the facts before taking definitive action.
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SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON
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No Credibility
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When one is told loshon hora and attempts to follow the Torah¡¯s command to reject it as false, the evil inclination often counters with the following argument: ¡°How can you not accept this report as fact? Dare you accuse the speaker of lying, of transgressing
the prohibition, ¡®Distance yourself from falsehood¡¯? ¡± (Shemos 23:7).
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The response to this is as follows: If you were to see a Jew [who is knowledgeable in the laws of Jewish observance] flagrantly violate Torah law, would you then accept as fact whatever information he has to offer about others? Certainly not! Surely one cannot
trust the word of one who openly flouts Hashem¡¯s will.
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A Jew who speaks ill of his fellow has transgressed ¡°You shall not be a gossipmonger among your people¡± (Vayikra
19:16), a most severe prohibition. As the halachah makes clear, this prohibition is violated even when the report is true. Thus, the speaker is guilty of severe transgression and, as such, has no credibility.
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