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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM ? Day 87 – Providing Information ? ?Unlike the Shadchan (matchmaker) or advisor, a third party who is approached with specific questions about one of the parties is not offering advice. His primary concern, therefore, is not the sin of misleading others. His main responsibility is to be honest, and to refrain from speaking that which might constitute loshon hora. ? If asked whether the other party has a specific relevant shortcoming, it is certainly correct to tell the truth. For example, if one is asked about the person’s character, and is aware that he has an uncontrollable temper, this must be told, l’toeles (for a constructive purpose). Of course, the preconditions for relating such information are required (second-hand information must be presented as such; constructive intent is required; and one may relate only that which is accurate and necessary). ? If however, one is approached for information that on an objective level is irrelevant but in the eyes of this party is important, one is faced with a dilemma. To provide the information is, in effect, assisting in the unjustified abrogation of a potentially successful shidduch. On the other hand, one does not have the right to mislead the party by way of false information, and in so doing, decide the person’s future for him without his knowledge. The Chofetz Chaim suggests that in such cases one defer by saying,” I don’t know.” (Why this does not constitute falsehood will be discussed later.) ? In summation then, if, for example, an eligible young man is insistent that the woman he marries be at least four years younger than he, should never have failed an exam in elementary school, or comply with some other stipulation of seeming irrelevance, one who is asked concerning such matter should simply say, “I don’t know.” However, a shadchan may not suggest someone who does not meet these terms without first consulting a rav. ? ? SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON ? Study the Laws ? There is another meaning to the description of the art of silence as a craft. One who seeks to become a craftsman must study and train until he has mastered the skills of a given craft. There is no other way to become a true expert at one’s trade. ? With regard to speech, one might be inclined to think: “Why must I study the laws of shmiras haloshon in all their fine details? I will simply train myself to avoid conversation. That way, I will surely not transgress!’’ This is a mistake, for not always is silence desirable. In fact, there are even times when the halachah requires that one relate negative information about a given individual! Therefore, one must study and know well the laws of speech in all their details, so that he will truly master the art of silence. ? The Sages were very exacting in stating, “Which craft should man pursue in this world?’’ For one might mistakenly think: “It has been my way for many years to be careful in avoiding forbidden speech. I have more experience in this ‘craft’ than a real craftsman has in his particular expertise! Shmiras haloshon is by now second nature to me; there is no longer any need for vigilance.’’ ? To preclude this false notion, the Sages state: “Which craft should man pursue in this world?’’ to indicate that all man’s days in this world he must be alert to the pitfalls of forbidden speech.

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SEFER CHOFETZ CHAIM Day 86 – Advice ? The previous rules apply to the initiator of a shidduch, employment or business partnership.? Halacha classifies such a person as an advisor and requires that he not make the suggestion if he has reason to suspect that it may not be in the best interest of either party. ? A similar set of rules applies to one who did not make the suggestion, but whose advice is sought by one of the parties.? He too must not be guilty of misleading the people involved.? In fact, his responsibility is even greater than that of the shadchan (matchmaker).? Whereas the shadchan merely suggests that the shidduch be considered, the advisor often states a definitive opinion regarding the proposed relationship which may profoundly influence the party’s final decision. ? Giving advice is not a matter to be taken lightly.? One does not give guidance unless he believes he understands the situation, and has the insight and life experience necessary to properly direct his petitioner.? One should never encourage a match he knows nothing about for the sake of seeing to it that the person “finally gets married.”? One may encourage a match only if he sincerely believes that it is good for both parties. Thus, while the advisor’s first obligation is to the party he is advising, it is forbidden for him to encourage a shidduch that he clearly knows is bad for the other party.? This would be considered speaking loshon hora in the form of speech that causes harm. ? It is forbidden for an advisor to discourage a relationship unless his disapproval is based on firsthand information that was carefully analyzed. ? Finally, if an advisor encouraged his petitioner to pursue a given shidduch but his advice was ignored, he may not draw the conclusion that the person “just doesn’t want to get married,” is “incapable of making commitments,” or has “unrealistic expectations.”? To make such statements would be to speak loshon hora and perhaps hotzaas shem ra (slander). ? ? SEFER SHMIRAS HALOSHON ? Debt of Gratitude ? We can suggest another explanation of R’ Yitzchak’s teaching: “Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute.’’ ? Suppose a person suddenly suffers a loss of speech. All the city’s doctors are summoned to suggest a cure, but all fail. Finally, a renowned specialist is brought in from another city. He succeeds in curing the patient and refuses any offer of payment for his services. Imagine the love and gratitude which the patient would feel toward the doctor! His gratitude would be readily apparent; he would run to do the doctor’s every bidding. For the patient to speak a negative word about the doctor would be unthinkable. ? Hashem has given man something which He has not given any other earthly creature — a speaking soul through which he can study Torah and perform other mitzvos, thus earning for himself eternal reward. By the strict measure of justice, a person who has used his tongue hundreds of times to speak the forbidden should awaken one morning to find that he has lost his power of speech. However, Hashem, Whose compassion is boundless and Who is slow to anger, continues to grant this priceless gift as He awaits the person’s repentance. ? How can such a person persist in speaking loshon hora and other forms of evil speech? Is this how one expresses gratitude to the One Above? ? Which craft should man pursue in this world? He should make himself like a mute. A person who has been guilty in the past of speaking the forbidden should forever bear in mind that it is only through the kindness of Hashem that he has not awakened one morning to find himself a mute. Through such reflection, one will forever feel indebted to Hashem for His unceasing kindness and will surely refrain from forbidden speech

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