George Lazenby on the Simon Dee Show
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He is unhappy and increasingly paranoid. He has always been
prone to constructing clandestine explanations for humdrum events, but his
sense of a conspiracy is escalating. He complains that he has spotted men in
black hunched behind hedgerows, taking photographs of him; he is also convinced
his telephone is bugged. Some blame his paranoia on marijuana, but he argues
that, on the contrary, it is marijuana that keeps him sane.
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Dee greets his first guest in the green room. (Oddly enough,
Dee too auditioned for James Bond; he tells friends he was rejected simply
because he was too tall.) His first impression of Lazenby is that he looks
nothing like he did as James Bond; he now sports a beard and long hair, and is
dressed like a cowboy. But, ever the pro, Dee masks his surprise.
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The interview begins very slowly. Lazenby is perhaps a
little distant, but Dee sees no real cause for alarm. Then, out of nowhere,
Lazenby dips into his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper, turns to the camera
and shouts: 'I would like to draw everybody's attention to the fact that the
following senators were involved in a plot to kill President Kennedy!'
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He starts reciting a long list of names. Dee attempts to
steer the interview onto another topic by bringing in Diana Rigg. 'That's very
interesting' George. What does Diana make of all that then? Isn't she lovely!'
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But Lazenby is furious at the interruption, and continues to
read his list of murderous senators in a louder and louder voice. An enthusiast
for conspiracies, Dee nevertheless realizes that naming individual senators as
conspirators in a presidential assassination is taking things too far. Across
Lazenby's shoulder, he sees the studio floor manager making furious 'wind up'
signals to him, but Lazenby proves unstoppable.
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Dee attempts to distance himself from Lazenby's rants by
saying, 'I really don't know anything about this subject, folks; and finally
says, 'Fascinating stuff, George. Thank you. And we'll be talking to two more
fascinating people, John Lennon and Yoko Ono, in just two minutes!' This is the
signal for an advertising break.
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The show is recorded a few hours before transmission, so Dee
imagines that any offending passages will be edited out. But for some reason
they are not. On Monday morning, the newspapers are full of it.
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Dee is summoned by Stella Richman, Managing Director of LWT.
'Who said you could talk about Kennedy?'
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'I didn't talk about Kennedy. Lazenby did, and it happens to
be his right as a guest to talk about anything he likes:
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Richman behaves, in Dee's opinion, 'like some demented
puppet', accusing him of plotting the incident. 'If you ever mention Kennedy on
air again I shall tear up your contract. Now leave!'
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Dee is affronted. 'It really was an amazing moment. Here was
this female terrier telling me that she had the right to tell me who I could or
couldn't book on my show and what I was supposed to say to them! And if I
disagreed with her then I was out of a job!'
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The incident fuels Dee's already highly developed sense of
conspiracy.
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Has he fallen into a carefully laid trap? Conspiracy piles
upon conspiracy: he suspects Lazenby was put up to it by his old enemy Ronan
O'Rahilly, who also talked Lazenby out of renewing his James Bond contract
('All that Bond stuff's on the wane, man. Look at Easy Rider and things, that's
the way to go').
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But Dee remains bullish. 'I don't give a damn. Last night,
for this so-called disastrous program, I had the highest viewing figures ever
for a Sunday-night show. I'm supposed to feel ashamed of that? ... So George
made a fool of himself, not me. He died the death, baby, not me! It doesn't
worry me, baby! I'm running my show, not anybody else:
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It is the beginning of the end for both host and guest. Soon
afterwards, it is announced that this first series of The Simon Dee Show on LWT
will also be the last. Dee blames this on his opposition to Britain entering
the EEC.
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A brand-new late-night chat show is hosted by a relative
unknown, whose name is Michael Parkinson. Dee's slot on the BBC is given to the
actor Derek Nimmo, in If It's Saturday, It Must Be Nimmo. Among Nimmo's first
guests is Basil Brush, a leading glove puppet.
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Craig Brown "Hello Goodbye
Hello" (2011)
