I have you on the hip
(Shakespeare, Othelllo)
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Do you know, I don't think
there's anybody, from Mozambique, to the cold gray harbor of Reykjavik who
doesn't know the story of old Sticky Walberton, so, as everybody knows it, I
want to tell you another story.
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This is about a wedding I went
to.? Now I don't normally like going to
weddings. I went to my own.? I think one
has to.? But I don't normally like it,
but on this occasion I went with a friend of mine called Jimmy Edwards.? You probably haven't heard the name. He's a
kind of comedian, very inconspicuous, kind of gentle sort of chap.
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It was during the period when he
was engaged, one of the periods when he was engaged
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He wanted me to go along with him
because he wanted to see what happened at weddings.? What's going to happen to him. And I went
along.
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Now, I don't know if you're the
same, but most of us have compulsions.??
I mean some people, for instance, at this sort of function are
"us'ns"
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When people sing, "For he's
a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow," when it comes to
"and so say all of us," they always go, "us us",? "and so say all of us", "us
us."? You see??? Well, they're "us'ns."
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Later on in these functions you
have have the deen'ahs.?? When the wine
has flowed a little and they sing Nellie Dean. When they sing Nellie Dean, he's
the one that also sings, "Nellie Dean-ah" They're deeners.
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I'm a
"hip-hip-hipper".? At any
function I can't be restrained from saying, "Three cheers for the
bride.? Hip hip hip."
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And the trouble is I HAVE to be
restrained, because on the hooray I always spill my champagne over somebody.
The only time I don't spill my champagne over somebody is when there isn't any
champagne and I spill something else over somebody.
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So Jimmy Edwards said, "Now,
I'm going to ask you to come to this wedding with me, but for heaven's sake,
don't start raising cheers to the bride or you'll spill champagne over
everybody and there'll be the most fearful mess. And I promised.
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And I went to the church with him and we sat through the
service.? Very nice it was too.? The nice sentimental atmosphere of a wedding
is like breathing golden syrup.? When we
got to point in the service where the bridegroom said, "With all my
worldly goods I thee endow," Jimmy Edwards went white and had to be helped
out of the church. And that's the last we saw of him.
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So I went on to the reception on
my own without Jimmy's restraining influence.
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And they were jolly nice people,
the bride and groom. The groom was an advertising chap, for Pericles
Tires.?? I don't know if you know
them.? He was the one who did the slogan
Perciles, the Prince of Tires. And she was a sort of artist, very artistic
girl. She did very primitive things with damp globs of clay.
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And there they were, very happily
married, and there was a photographer standing by and of course the old
compulsion came over me.?
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And I said, "Everybody,
three cheers for the bride. Hip Hip Hip hooray."
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And on the
"hooray,"? of course, as usual,
I whisked up my glass of champagne. It caught in the fountain pen clip in the
pocket of the bride's father and all down the bride's dress went the champagne.
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And the flashbulb went.? And there was the photographer and he came
over and said, "I've taken a very nice photograph of you."
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And I said, "Oh no.? What's your name?"
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And he said, "My name is
Sticky Wolberton, as a matter of fact.?
Why do you ask?"
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I said, "I just wanted to
know, because, please destroy the photograph. Because on the hooray I went like
this."
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And he said, "Oh, that's all
right.? I didn't take you on the
hooray.? I have you on the hip."
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Frank Muir 580616a
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